Mom Humor

The 5 Toddler Styles

I was under the mistaken impression as a pre-mom, that if I had a boy I could buy ten sets of one-size-fits all overalls and generic dark colored onesies that come in a pack of ten and be done with it. But no, I have made the fascinating discovery over the past 19 months that toddlers have the capacity to be even more finicky, in regards to style, than an editor at Vogue. I blame the finicky-ness on the father; I’m perfectly content with my one size fits all mom uniform (aka yoga pants any shirt that doesn’t have buttons.) Under the tutelage of my toddler, I have ascertained the following to be five of the top toddler styles.

  1. The Nudist

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Many a toddler enjoys the liberating breeziness that accompanies the engrossing accessibility of the nudist lifestyle. If it were not so expensive to rent a steam cleaner, after the toddler poops on the rug, I would be a heartfelt proponent of this clothing option, or sans clothing option. Because my clothes are usually thoroughly toddler-soiled, mildewing in the long forgotten washer, or wrinkled on the floor, I’ve become a personal nudist enthusiast.

  1. The Fashion-ista

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There is a squad of Fedorables that frequent our neighborhood park, and I’m slightly embarrassed to admit my son frequently leads the pack. Again, I blame it on his fedora-wearing father. If you haven’t established that a Fedorable is a fedora wearing toddler that will likely end up in a hipster band later in life, that’s what it is, and my tot is a card carrying member; he’s already begun to fine tune his skills on the electric keyboard and hipster harmonica. A fedora is not a requirement of the fashion-ista toddler, but a hip “in” clothing item is a must. This tiny token of coolness may come in the form a faux fur vest, twirly skirt, designer tutu, TOMS, or intentionally ripped $80 jeans.

  1. The Minimalist

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The simpler the better for this tot; the name of their game is simplicity, functionality, and comfort. They have no patience for the scores of buttons that accompany a patterned button-up blouse and accompanying hip-kid vest, and find the rawness of the Nudist style to be supremely inconvenient when trying to prevent sand from entering their crack at the park. This child is the one I imagined when I bought stock in Osh Kosh B’Gosh, anticipating the need to buy large quantities of the previously mentioned overalls.

  1. The Costumer
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He loves it.

This tot, similar to the fashion-ista, has a flair for the dramatics and has no problem sacrificing comfort in favor of making a bold statement. This is the child who bravely dons their fully insulated astronaut costume when accompanying mom to the store on a 100 plus degree summer-day, or the ballerina who must be dressed in her finest leotard and tutu when attending the Nutcracker on a balmy minus five-degree winter night. And don’t even think of diminishing the integrity of the tutu by encouraging the application of a coat.

  1. The PJ-er

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The PJ-er shuns any clothing item that isn’t composed of flannel, or does not have built-in footies. This child is true to my heart, and I am still this child. I’m such a proponent of resisting the removal of my flannels, or sleepy-time-yoga-pants, that my fully dressed fashion-ista child has taken my hand and led me to my closet, encouraging I put on “real clothes.” True story. I’m certain my next child will happily sit in their drool stained pjs with me all day, politely passing on social invitations that would require we leave the house. Unfortunately for me, the public ‘PJ-er’ toddler is much more socially acceptable that the public ‘PJ-er’ mother; I’m actively working on reversing this social stigma, one ‘flannel pj shirt and slept in yoga pants’ day at a time.

What style does your toddler rock? A combo of the minimalist and PJ-er? A fashion-ista with a sprinkle of Costumer? A 24/7 nudist?

2 thoughts on “The 5 Toddler Styles”

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