In the early days of Hudson’s life, I felt rudderless. The home organizing business I had before he was born couldn’t continue without me driving to Los Angeles every day, and I couldn’t afford regular childcare. And because my husband was a teacher, it wasn’t an option for him to stay home. I suddenly found myself without a job or a passion outside motherhood. I felt like life was a VHS that rewound as I slept and replayed every day. Then one day, driving home from an RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) class, I had an idea for a book. Suddenly pumped, I sat in my driveway for an hour breastfeeding Hudson and making notes on my phone. From that point, I wrote every time Hudson fed. This new project pulled me out of the postpartum blues I’m pretty sure was on its way to becoming depression. Ideally, I would have had numerous uninterrupted hours to work each day, but I took what I could get.
So I get it. I get the pull to return to work, whether that’s retreating to your home office five hours a day or heading back to your job outside the home. Some women feel relieved when they can become a stay-at-home mom, others are bummed when they have to return to work, and a few of us are yearning to dive back into our career. There’s nothing wrong with any of these feelings — it just shows we’re all different in our needs. It’s okay if your cup doesn’t runneth over from motherhood alone — this in no way indicates you’re not bonding properly or aren’t meant to be a mother. It means you’re a dynamic human who requires an array of activities and passions to be fulfilled. And it doesn’t hurt to feel financially independent.
However, I get why you’re wary about this desire. An ongoing issue in the United States is the severe lack of maternity leave available to most women. This leads many mothers to dread the return to work, and the rest of us to assume there must be something wrong with us if we’re looking forward to that return. Some of us might even think we’re not as maternal or selfless as the women wanting to extend their leave. But the best path for each mother-baby pair is unique. There will be some who crave constant togetherness for the early phase of baby’s life, and others perfectly happy seeing one another in the morning and evening. There’s not one right way. You get to miss your job and figure out how to go back early. You get to love your job without feeling like that means you love your baby less.
Making a plan with your partner about how to get you back to work may be simple, or really tricky. If you have the money for childcare and your partner understands your need to get back to career mode, you should have relatively smooth sailing. But if that’s not the case, things might be more challenging. For example, if your partner would need to stay home, or at least share more childcare duties, to enable you to go back to work, you may get pushback — especially if your partner is male.
While our culture is slowly shifting, a deeply embedded societal norm still gives the woman responsibility for things at home, with the man working outside the home. This is of course rubbish, but it might, consciously or subconsciously, impact how your male partner responds to your request, and how firm you are in that request. You and your partner might be required to really examine your views on gender roles and determine if they’re coloring your decision making. This isn’t a quick fix, but starting the process of acknowledging how social expectations impact your thinking can help you both make more objective decisions.
What to do
As much as possible, let excitement replace any guilt and shame you may feel about wanting to go back to work. If you love your job, it will likely be joyful to incorporate this important aspect of yourself back into your life. It might even make you a more present, happy mother. Essentially, keep reminding yourself that there’s nothing wrong with your desire as you work through the following suggestions:
Determine if there’s an underlying issue behind your desire. While it’s completely normal to want to return to work, I encourage you to analyze whether you’re using it as a Band-Aid. For example, I had a client who was desperate to go back to work but couldn’t figure out why. She enjoyed her job but had never been crazy about it. When she got honest with herself, she realized she was trying to escape the anxiety she felt when caring for her baby. She was always worried she was going to screw something up and felt calmer when the baby was in someone else’s care. While spending more time at work would have masked the problem, it wouldn’t have helped her work through it. Once she realized this, she sought therapy, which eventually dissolved her anxiety. When she returned to work, she was happy to do so but was also happy to return home every afternoon.
It’s natural to want to escape some aspects of motherhood, like rarely talking to adults, changing nappies all day, and not having reasons to dress up, but if you’re trying to escape deep-seated emotional challenges, make sure returning to work isn’t your only solution.
Remember your right to love your career. As you become vocal about your desire to return to work, you could face resistance. Some people might be perplexed by your desire and offer opinions that could make you question your decision. I urge you to remember that this pushback has little to do with you and likely everything to do with those aforementioned gender roles. Too many people are trained to believe a woman’s primary desire should be staying home with her baby. Hold tight to your right to love your career, and make moves to return to it. Ultimately, this decision won’t really impact anyone but your baby, your partner, and yourself, so consider only those people when determining what to do. No one else gets a vote.
Advocate for your needs. If your partner is the one pushing back on your desire to return to work, you might need to do some major advocacy on your behalf. You might need to help them understand where you’re coming from, explaining how your career makes you feel, how you think it will benefit your home life, and what your ideas on childcare look like. And this issue shouldn’t be about you asking for permission, but instead, you informing your partner of a need and letting them know they must work with you to find a solution that works for all involved. You are partners — they’re not your gatekeeper. You have just as much right to nurture your career as they do. Advocate for that right.
Get creative with childcare and work hours. If you can’t afford daily childcare, you might need to brainstorm with your partner about how you can make your return work. For example, maybe you both shift to working part-time onsite and part-time at home, staggering your schedules so someone is always with baby. Or you could do some kind of trade with friends or family members willing and able to offer childcare. Even if at first it seems like nothing can work, you might be surprised by an enlightened idea as you continue to explore options. Don’t give up!
Bailey Gaddis Blog 