Don’t you hate it when people discount your feelings with the “at least you have a healthy baby” line? I mean, sure, they don’t mean to discount your feelings and are (probably) trying to cheer you up, but they’re missing the point. You don’t want to be cheered up, at least in the beginning. You want someone to make you feel like your disappointment is okay and normal. That you have every right to be bummed about a labor and delivery that didn’t go as you’d hoped. You likely put in significant preparation to have a certain type of birth experience, and it’s a real loss when aspects of it (or all of it) don’t go as planned.
Speaking of that preparation, it’s irritating and hurtful when people make us feel foolish for having hopes for birth beyond getting the baby out, and having the audacity to write out these hopes in the form of birth preferences. But we have every right to infuse our birth experience with hope and intention. And often, that positive forethought and preparation does enhance the birth experience, even if it doesn’t unfold in the exact way we wanted it to. When it doesn’t happen as we’d hoped — even if there are only a few pieces we’re upset with — we should be free to feel mad, upset, or whatever else is coming up.
As you feel those emotions and work through the process described below, I want you to hold on to the truth that you did everything you could with the tools at your disposal to have the best possible birth experience. Even if you’re kicking yourself for making a decision that you feel derailed your experience, like saying yes to an intervention that went awry, know that you don’t deserve the blame or shame you’re probably dumping on yourself. What you do deserve is to take the birth story and emotions you have and put in the time and care to work through them, instead of masking them.
What to do
Feel the feelings. Before you give up your story and emotions for interpretation, allow it to all flow through you. This unobstructed feeling can help you figure out what you’re actually upset about. Start this process by taking these steps:
Seek privacy. Have someone watch baby for a set period of time and go to a private space to cry, rage, write — do whatever you need to begin the process of exploration and release.
Talk to someone who was present at your birth. It’s common for women to forget many of the details of their birth experience, which can make it difficult to figure out why we’re upset. By gathering all the facts from someone who was there, you can gain clarity about the circumstances your feelings are stemming from.
Hold your birth story and emotions close. Now that you’re understanding the root of your emotions and have given yourself permission to feel them, choose the people you talk to wisely. If your intuition tells you that your mother-in-law or sister, for example, might brush off your feelings, you’ll want to choose someone else to confide in. If you want a sure bet, find a therapist you trust, as they’re almost guaranteed to be an active listener and abstain from “at least you have a healthy baby” comments.
Stand tall in your emotions. When you’re met with an unsympathetic response to your reaction to your birth experience, resist the urge to agree with it. Many of us are so wary of disagreement that we agree with someone even when we don’t actually agree. Although smiling, nodding, and saying, “Yeah, I guess you’re right” when someone says, “At least you have a healthy baby” sounds harmless enough, it’s actually giving your mind the message that your feelings aren’t valid. So instead of agreeing, just change the subject. Realize that this person isn’t the right recipient for your birth concerns, and commit to finding someone else to talk to.
If you’re feeling guilty about prioritizing the acknowledgment and processing of your feelings, remember that it’s not frivolous or ungrateful. It’s the best way to fully integrate with the intense journey you went through, extract the insights that live within that journey, and move forward with a clear emotional canvas.
Bailey Gaddis Blog 