Well…you’re not a good American unless you have 2.5 children….Just joshin’. Throw those white-picket-fence, June Cleaver expectations out the window when deciding how many children you want to have. Every human has different circumstances that influence the number of humans they want to raise, and none are wrong. The people who don’t want to have any children should get to have no children without judgment. The one-and-done folks should get to have one child without judgment. The folks that want to raise a soccer team should get to have that soccer team without judgment. Dreams, careers, finances, emotional landscapes, relationships, childhood memories, past birth experiences, and a slew of other factors influence how many children we want to have. And because those factors are unique for each person, everyone will have varying ideas on what the right number of children is for them.
The unfortunate thing is, some people mistakenly assume that the number of children that’s right for them is also “right” for everyone else. Some people don’t want kids and are perplexed by anyone who does want them. Some people think that people who want only one child are selfish, and those who don’t want any are insane. I don’t think any of these people have a right to pass judgment on anyone’s family planning. It’s one of the most personal decisions you’ll ever make, and a decision that needs to be made by you.
I even think that the decision to have more children is ultimately up to the partner who would be carrying the pregnancy. And sure, if both partners are on the fence, it’s a decision you’ll want to make together. But if you’re certain you don’t want more children, I don’t think anyone, not even your partner, should make you feel shame for that decision. Because as you know, navigating pregnancy, childbirth, and early motherhood is an intense experience for women, and one that they should be on board with. They shouldn’t be shoved on board.
That’s my long way of saying that no, you aren’t selfish for not wanting another child. If you’re making this decision because you’ve tuned into your inner knowing and it’s saying, “No way! One and done, lady. One and done!” you get to listen to that knowing. And sure, if your inner knowing really wants another child, but you’re afraid for a variety of reasons, you may want to explore that, determining whether it’s worth it to you to work past that fear in favor of expanding your family. But if that’s not the case for you, stand tall in your decision to only have one child.
Regarding where people are coming from when they judge you for your decision, it often stems from three places:
1. Resistance to that which is different from what they believe in. If someone feels strongly that having a large family is an important part of life, they might want you to feel the same. When they discover you don’t, their judgment and defensiveness could be triggered. They might see your differing choice as a sign that you don’t think their life decisions are “right.” While your choice to have only one child likely has nothing to do with anyone but your nuclear family, some people won’t be able to see that.
2. The belief that you’re robbing your child of the opportunity to have a sibling. Here’s the thing with this argument: there’s no guarantee a sibling will enhance someone’s life. There are plenty of only children who have rich lives and fulfilling relationships. There are plenty of people with siblings who have fractured relationships with those siblings and have instead fostered deep bonds with friends. While a sibling can be a beautiful thing in some circumstances, it’s not a golden ticket to happiness.
3. Buying into the myth that the only child is destined to be self-centered, lonely, and spoiled. While we don’t need studies to know this stereotype is hogwash, there are still plenty of studies showing that only children have the same chance of being happy and whole as those with siblings, and that they aren’t more likely to be egocentric brats. For example, a study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that only children are not more likely to be narcissistic than those with siblings. Research has also found that only children typically have the same number and quality of friendships as their peers with siblings.
Now let’s look at some examples of people who chose to have one child. My friend Amy and her wife June stopped procreating after their daughter was born because they had limited finances and the dream of traveling full-time. They felt a second child would hinder that dream. So they followed the path that felt right to them and spent ten years home-schooling their daughter in forty-seven countries. Their daughter is now in her late teens and says she feels like she has siblings all over the world.
Another friend, we’ll call her Celeste, had extreme postpartum depression and OCD for a year after her son was born. “It almost broke me,” she said. “There were days I couldn’t be around my baby and was bombarded by suicidal thoughts. I eventually got past it, but I can’t imagine exposing myself to that emotional trauma again, even with the meds and therapy.” Her husband didn’t push her to change her mind, and they’re four years into enjoying their happy family of three.
The last woman I’ll mention, Caitlyn, didn’t have any dreams a second child would thwart or crippling postpartum depression; she simply felt complete after her son was born. “I had always assumed I’d have two, but after Henry was born I just didn’t feel a need for more. Our family feels whole.”
So there you have it. Having one child is not a situation reserved for those who experience secondary infertility or have another medical circumstance that makes it impossible for them to become pregnant again. It’s also a perfectly fine decision for any reason that feels right to you. No one knows the inner workings of your body, emotions, and family like you do, which is why you get to make the decision without allowing anyone to make you feel shameful or selfish.
What to do
Hold true to what feels right for your family, and try the following to fortify that right-feeling:
Listen to your inner knowing. Your inner knowing (aka gut instinct) knows. Regardless of the decision you’re trying to make, if you drift within and really listen, you’ll receive an answer. And usually, this answer — an answer that comes from your truest self — will lead you down the path you’re meant to follow.
So if external opinions are making you feel shame for or doubt about your decision to not have another child, tap into that inner knowing and trust its feedback. It knows more than all those people sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong.
Reserve the right to change your mind. If you’re currently set on having one child and change your mind years down the line, that’s obviously fine! You get to make that choice without anyone having the right to say, “I told you so.” As life circumstances change, our preferences for what we want in life can also change. If that happens to you, don’t let your early assertions about having one child stop you from following this new dream.
Decide what you want to say when people ask about baby number 2. It’s a foregone conclusion that someone will eventually ask you about another baby. Avoid being sucked into a conversation you don’t want to have by planning what you’ll say. For example, you could say, “We’re still deciding.” Or “We’ve decided we’re just going to have one. That’s what feels best for us.” If the person pushes, asking why you made that decision, you can just reiterate, “It feels like the best choice for our family right now.” You don’t owe anyone an explanation and can keep your answers short and vague. Then you can change the subject or make an excuse to slip away.
Consider egg freezing if you need to buy time. If you don’t currently want more children but think you could want more in the future, you might feel pressured by your biological clock to speed up your timeline. If the idea of speeding things up is stressful, consider freezing your eggs.
Of course, this is not a light or cheap decision, as it costs thousands of dollars and requires you to take fertility injections, then undergo an egg retrieval. From there, you have to pay an annual fee for egg storage and utilize IVF when you’re ready to use your eggs. However, this option can provide peace of mind and the gift of time if it’s financially and physically feasible for you.
Bailey Gaddis Blog 