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Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

In the early days of Hudson’s life, I felt rudderless. The home organizing business I had before he was born couldn’t continue without me driving to Los Angeles every day, and I couldn’t afford regular childcare. And because my husband was a teacher, it wasn’t an option for him to stay home. I suddenly found myself without a job or a passion outside motherhood. I felt like life was a VHS that rewound as I slept and replayed every day. Then one day, driving home from an RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) class, I had an idea for a book. Suddenly pumped, I sat in my driveway for an hour breastfeeding Hudson and making notes on my phone. From that point, I wrote every time Hudson fed. This new project pulled me out of the postpartum blues I’m pretty sure was on its way to becoming depression. Ideally, I would have had numerous uninterrupted hours to work each day, but I took what I could get.

So I get it. I get the pull to return to work, whether that’s retreating to your home office five hours a day or heading back to your job outside the home. Some women feel relieved when they can become a stay-at-home mom, others are bummed when they have to return to work, and a few of us are yearning to dive back into our career. There’s nothing wrong with any of these feelings — it just shows we’re all different in our needs. It’s okay if your cup doesn’t runneth over from motherhood alone — this in no way indicates you’re not bonding properly or aren’t meant to be a mother. It means you’re a dynamic human who requires an array of activities and passions to be fulfilled. And it doesn’t hurt to feel financially independent.

However, I get why you’re wary about this desire. An ongoing issue in the United States is the severe lack of maternity leave available to most women. This leads many mothers to dread the return to work, and the rest of us to assume there must be something wrong with us if we’re looking forward to that return. Some of us might even think we’re not as maternal or selfless as the women wanting to extend their leave. But the best path for each mother-baby pair is unique. There will be some who crave constant togetherness for the early phase of baby’s life, and others perfectly happy seeing one another in the morning and evening. There’s not one right way. You get to miss your job and figure out how to go back early. You get to love your job without feeling like that means you love your baby less.

Making a plan with your partner about how to get you back to work may be simple, or really tricky. If you have the money for childcare and your partner understands your need to get back to career mode, you should have relatively smooth sailing. But if that’s not the case, things might be more challenging. For example, if your partner would need to stay home, or at least share more childcare duties, to enable you to go back to work, you may get pushback — especially if your partner is male.

While our culture is slowly shifting, a deeply embedded societal norm still gives the woman responsibility for things at home, with the man working outside the home. This is of course rubbish, but it might, consciously or subconsciously, impact how your male partner responds to your request, and how firm you are in that request. You and your partner might be required to really examine your views on gender roles and determine if they’re coloring your decision making. This isn’t a quick fix, but starting the process of acknowledging how social expectations impact your thinking can help you both make more objective decisions.

What to do

As much as possible, let excitement replace any guilt and shame you may feel about wanting to go back to work. If you love your job, it will likely be joyful to incorporate this important aspect of yourself back into your life. It might even make you a more present, happy mother. Essentially, keep reminding yourself that there’s nothing wrong with your desire as you work through the following suggestions:

Determine if there’s an underlying issue behind your desire. While it’s completely normal to want to return to work, I encourage you to analyze whether you’re using it as a Band-Aid. For example, I had a client who was desperate to go back to work but couldn’t figure out why. She enjoyed her job but had never been crazy about it. When she got honest with herself, she realized she was trying to escape the anxiety she felt when caring for her baby. She was always worried she was going to screw something up and felt calmer when the baby was in someone else’s care. While spending more time at work would have masked the problem, it wouldn’t have helped her work through it. Once she realized this, she sought therapy, which eventually dissolved her anxiety. When she returned to work, she was happy to do so but was also happy to return home every afternoon.

It’s natural to want to escape some aspects of motherhood, like rarely talking to adults, changing nappies all day, and not having reasons to dress up, but if you’re trying to escape deep-seated emotional challenges, make sure returning to work isn’t your only solution.

Remember your right to love your career. As you become vocal about your desire to return to work, you could face resistance. Some people might be perplexed by your desire and offer opinions that could make you question your decision. I urge you to remember that this pushback has little to do with you and likely everything to do with those aforementioned gender roles. Too many people are trained to believe a woman’s primary desire should be staying home with her baby. Hold tight to your right to love your career, and make moves to return to it. Ultimately, this decision won’t really impact anyone but your baby, your partner, and yourself, so consider only those people when determining what to do. No one else gets a vote.

Advocate for your needs. If your partner is the one pushing back on your desire to return to work, you might need to do some major advocacy on your behalf. You might need to help them understand where you’re coming from, explaining how your career makes you feel, how you think it will benefit your home life, and what your ideas on childcare look like. And this issue shouldn’t be about you asking for permission, but instead, you informing your partner of a need and letting them know they must work with you to find a solution that works for all involved. You are partners — they’re not your gatekeeper. You have just as much right to nurture your career as they do. Advocate for that right.

Get creative with childcare and work hours. If you can’t afford daily childcare, you might need to brainstorm with your partner about how you can make your return work. For example, maybe you both shift to working part-time onsite and part-time at home, staggering your schedules so someone is always with baby. Or you could do some kind of trade with friends or family members willing and able to offer childcare. Even if at first it seems like nothing can work, you might be surprised by an enlightened idea as you continue to explore options. Don’t give up!

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Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

Well…you’re not a good American unless you have 2.5 children….Just joshin’. Throw those white-picket-fence, June Cleaver expectations out the window when deciding how many children you want to have. Every human has different circumstances that influence the number of humans they want to raise, and none are wrong. The people who don’t want to have any children should get to have no children without judgment. The one-and-done folks should get to have one child without judgment. The folks that want to raise a soccer team should get to have that soccer team without judgment. Dreams, careers, finances, emotional landscapes, relationships, childhood memories, past birth experiences, and a slew of other factors influence how many children we want to have. And because those factors are unique for each person, everyone will have varying ideas on what the right number of children is for them.

The unfortunate thing is, some people mistakenly assume that the number of children that’s right for them is also “right” for everyone else. Some people don’t want kids and are perplexed by anyone who does want them. Some people think that people who want only one child are selfish, and those who don’t want any are insane. I don’t think any of these people have a right to pass judgment on anyone’s family planning. It’s one of the most personal decisions you’ll ever make, and a decision that needs to be made by you.

I even think that the decision to have more children is ultimately up to the partner who would be carrying the pregnancy. And sure, if both partners are on the fence, it’s a decision you’ll want to make together. But if you’re certain you don’t want more children, I don’t think anyone, not even your partner, should make you feel shame for that decision. Because as you know, navigating pregnancy, childbirth, and early motherhood is an intense experience for women, and one that they should be on board with. They shouldn’t be shoved on board.

That’s my long way of saying that no, you aren’t selfish for not wanting another child. If you’re making this decision because you’ve tuned into your inner knowing and it’s saying, “No way! One and done, lady. One and done!” you get to listen to that knowing. And sure, if your inner knowing really wants another child, but you’re afraid for a variety of reasons, you may want to explore that, determining whether it’s worth it to you to work past that fear in favor of expanding your family. But if that’s not the case for you, stand tall in your decision to only have one child.

Regarding where people are coming from when they judge you for your decision, it often stems from three places:

1. Resistance to that which is different from what they believe in. If someone feels strongly that having a large family is an important part of life, they might want you to feel the same. When they discover you don’t, their judgment and defensiveness could be triggered. They might see your differing choice as a sign that you don’t think their life decisions are “right.” While your choice to have only one child likely has nothing to do with anyone but your nuclear family, some people won’t be able to see that.

2. The belief that you’re robbing your child of the opportunity to have a sibling. Here’s the thing with this argument: there’s no guarantee a sibling will enhance someone’s life. There are plenty of only children who have rich lives and fulfilling relationships. There are plenty of people with siblings who have fractured relationships with those siblings and have instead fostered deep bonds with friends. While a sibling can be a beautiful thing in some circumstances, it’s not a golden ticket to happiness.

3. Buying into the myth that the only child is destined to be self-centered, lonely, and spoiled. While we don’t need studies to know this stereotype is hogwash, there are still plenty of studies showing that only children have the same chance of being happy and whole as those with siblings, and that they aren’t more likely to be egocentric brats. For example, a study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that only children are not more likely to be narcissistic than those with siblings. Research has also found that only children typically have the same number and quality of friendships as their peers with siblings.

Now let’s look at some examples of people who chose to have one child. My friend Amy and her wife June stopped procreating after their daughter was born because they had limited finances and the dream of traveling full-time. They felt a second child would hinder that dream. So they followed the path that felt right to them and spent ten years home-schooling their daughter in forty-seven countries. Their daughter is now in her late teens and says she feels like she has siblings all over the world.

Another friend, we’ll call her Celeste, had extreme postpartum depression and OCD for a year after her son was born. “It almost broke me,” she said. “There were days I couldn’t be around my baby and was bombarded by suicidal thoughts. I eventually got past it, but I can’t imagine exposing myself to that emotional trauma again, even with the meds and therapy.” Her husband didn’t push her to change her mind, and they’re four years into enjoying their happy family of three.

The last woman I’ll mention, Caitlyn, didn’t have any dreams a second child would thwart or crippling postpartum depression; she simply felt complete after her son was born. “I had always assumed I’d have two, but after Henry was born I just didn’t feel a need for more. Our family feels whole.”

So there you have it. Having one child is not a situation reserved for those who experience secondary infertility or have another medical circumstance that makes it impossible for them to become pregnant again. It’s also a perfectly fine decision for any reason that feels right to you. No one knows the inner workings of your body, emotions, and family like you do, which is why you get to make the decision without allowing anyone to make you feel shameful or selfish.

What to do

Hold true to what feels right for your family, and try the following to fortify that right-feeling:

Listen to your inner knowing. Your inner knowing (aka gut instinct) knows. Regardless of the decision you’re trying to make, if you drift within and really listen, you’ll receive an answer. And usually, this answer — an answer that comes from your truest self — will lead you down the path you’re meant to follow.

So if external opinions are making you feel shame for or doubt about your decision to not have another child, tap into that inner knowing and trust its feedback. It knows more than all those people sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong.

Reserve the right to change your mind. If you’re currently set on having one child and change your mind years down the line, that’s obviously fine! You get to make that choice without anyone having the right to say, “I told you so.” As life circumstances change, our preferences for what we want in life can also change. If that happens to you, don’t let your early assertions about having one child stop you from following this new dream.

Decide what you want to say when people ask about baby number 2. It’s a foregone conclusion that someone will eventually ask you about another baby. Avoid being sucked into a conversation you don’t want to have by planning what you’ll say. For example, you could say, “We’re still deciding.” Or “We’ve decided we’re just going to have one. That’s what feels best for us.” If the person pushes, asking why you made that decision, you can just reiterate, “It feels like the best choice for our family right now.” You don’t owe anyone an explanation and can keep your answers short and vague. Then you can change the subject or make an excuse to slip away.

Consider egg freezing if you need to buy time. If you don’t currently want more children but think you could want more in the future, you might feel pressured by your biological clock to speed up your timeline. If the idea of speeding things up is stressful, consider freezing your eggs.

Of course, this is not a light or cheap decision, as it costs thousands of dollars and requires you to take fertility injections, then undergo an egg retrieval. From there, you have to pay an annual fee for egg storage and utilize IVF when you’re ready to use your eggs. However, this option can provide peace of mind and the gift of time if it’s financially and physically feasible for you.

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Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

When Hudson was three weeks old, he fell asleep in his infant-carrier- baby-chair thing, and I passed out facedown on the couch. He woke up first. His crying was loud and urgent and pierced through my sleep…but not enough to cause me to pull myself out of my pool of drool. I was so tired, and my limbs felt so heavy, I just lay there, willing myself to go to him but not actually going to him. After what felt like an excessive amount of time I rolled off the couch, crawled to him, pulled him out of the chair thing, laid us both on the carpet, pulled up my shirt, and fell back asleep on the floor as he nursed. It got better, but whoa, man, those first few weeks were brutal. I would get so tired I hallucinated. I fell asleep on the toilet twice.

So yup, super duper extreme fatigue is a natural by-product of being a new mom. You know what’s also a by-product of new mamahood? Feeling guilty about feeling like you’d rather slip into a three-month coma than go to your baby. I’ve had so many moms tell me with guilt-ridden faces that they sometimes hated their babies for messing with their sleep. I would have fleeting moments of thinking I loved my pregnancy pillow more than Hudson.

Even though exhaustion comes with the territory, certain levels of it could be a sign of bigger issues. For example, I later discovered that the postpartum blues I experienced the first two weeks of Hudson’s life likely contributed to my falling-asleep-on-the-floor-and-the-toilet situation. For some moms, the fatigue is a symptom of postpartum depression or various physical ailments. But the thing is, regardless of why you’re bone tired, you want to find a solution like yesterday. Fortunately, there are ways to temper that tired.

What to do

Drink more coffee! Just kidding. (Although a little coffee doesn’t hurt.) But really, the main thing we want to do is figure out how to get you more sleep, help you feel more energized when you have to be awake, and discover if there’s a deeper reason you’re so pooped. Here’s how:

Reconsider your sleeping arrangement. One of the biggest reasons new mamas are so tired during the day is because they get so little sleep at night. Part of this is that baby’s body does not yet know that humans are supposed to sleep when it’s dark and be awake when it’s light. Another part is that baby’s stomach is so small they need some nosh in the wee hours. But the last part, the part you can actually do something about, is your sleeping situation. For example, if you’re spending half your night dragging yourself down the hall to baby’s room, rocking them until they fall asleep, then dragging yourself back to your bed, you might want to talk to baby’s pediatrician about how to create a safe environment for bed-sharing. Or, if you’re bed-sharing and constantly waking up because you’re afraid you’ve rolled on your baby, consider having them sleep in a bedside sleeper, or a bassinet by your bed. To sum it up, toy around with sleeping arrangements until you find one that safely allows you to get more sleep.

Embrace the “nap when they nap” cliché. I rarely listened to this advice and instead did unimportant stuff while Hudson partook in day sleeping. I probably would have been a less scary human if I had just put down the vacuum and napped when he napped. Be smarter than me, and give in to your fatigue when baby gives into theirs. It will make almost every part of life easier.

Get some help. If the “nap when they nap” thing is laughable to you because you have so dang much to do, get your partner to kick it up a notch with their support. If you don’t have a partner, reach out to friends or family members. If you don’t know anyone in your area, contact a local parent support center that can point you in the direction of a postpartum doula or a program that pairs new moms with a volunteer, in-home helper.

Take all the shortcuts. I’m pretty sure exhausted moms invented things like grocery delivery services, frozen meals, cleaning services, those robot vacuums, and dry shampoo. Let yourself off the hook for making home-cooked meals, maintaining a pristine house, and doing all the other nonessential tasks society has told us are essential. All you need to do right now is sleep as often as you can, prioritize your other basic needs, and care for your baby — which doesn’t need to include a daily bath and chic outfits. A wet wipe, fresh diaper, and clean-enough onesie will do just fine.

Take a walk, or just step outside . . . or at least open a window. The body has to work harder for oxygen when it’s indoors, as it’s mainly working with recirculated air. This can exaggerate fatigue. By simply stepping outside or opening some windows, you’re making oxygen more readily available and minimizing your body’s workload. This equals more energy.

If you’re up for a walk, even better, as you’ll get a dose of vitamin D, exercise, and a change of scenery; at least the first two are proven to increase energy. When Hudson was a newborn, my husband Eric suggested a walk around the block every day when he got home from work. I would roll my eyes and resist. “I’m too tired,” I would moan. “I don’t wanna.” But he was persistent, and we’d go. I always felt happier, more energized, and less hostile when we were done. It worked so well, I started taking Hudson on a walk every morning.

Drink more water. Water makes up 55 to 75 percent of our body, and 90 percent of our blood, and it’s essential for cellular homeostasis. As the most essential nutrient, water plays a huge role in how tired we feel. When we’re well hydrated, pressure is relieved on organs like the kidneys, bodily functions don’t have to work as hard, and our blood has more oxygen to carry through the body. This leaves us with enhanced energy for baby tickles, smiling, and general life enjoyment.

My go-to method for drinking enough water is to always have a forty-ounce metal water bottle by my side. I shoot for drinking three of these a day, but even if I just get through it twice I’m still feeling pretty good.

Avoid bottomless coffee. One or two cups of coffee in the morning can work wonders for energy levels. But it’s usually downhill from there. For many, having more than two cups of coffee daily leaves them susceptible to anxiety, which can be really exhausting. This occurs because too much caffeine can prompt your body to pump you full of adrenaline and cortisol. I’m always pretty certain catastrophe is around every corner if I drink more than 1.5 cups a day.

And then there’s when you drink it. Sipping on caffeine after two in the afternoon can make it harder to fall asleep during those precious blips of time when baby allows you to sleep.

Stash healthy snacks everywhere. Food and fatigue are interesting bedfellows. Eat too many heavy, processed foods, and you’re more fatigued. Don’t eat enough food, and you feel fatigued. Eat fresh, nutrient-rich fare, and your fatigue lifts (at least a bit). Help food help you feel less wiped out by keeping healthy snacks in the prime baby-feeding areas. I kept a bag with mixed nuts, dried mangoes, carrot sticks, and some other goodies by my glider chair, bed, and couch.

Explore your emotions. Is your fatigue accompanied by sadness or anxiety? Do you feel incapable of summoning joy? Do you feel like motherhood is just an awful chore? If you answered yes to one or all of these questions, you should not lock yourself in a closet of shame. Some of your fatigue might be caused by postpartum blues or depression. If you suspect that might be what’s up, start the process of seeking support ASAP by scheduling an appointment with your care provider.

Get a physical. While fatigue is a normal (albeit unfortunate) by-product of early motherhood for most women, you might also have a condition that enhances drowsiness, like anemia, certain allergies, fibromyalgia, or hypothyroidism. Let your doctor know how you’re feeling, and request a physical that includes blood work.

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Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

Before I get into this question — a gray area for many — I need to make it clear that I’m not advocating cosleeping. As you’ll soon discover, I coslept with Hudson, as it made sense to me in our circumstances. But as someone who offers guidance to women, I cannot give an official thumbs-up to co-sleeping. What I can do is share studies and anecdotes about this practice, and leave it up to you to make the decision that feels best for your family.

I coslept with Hudson, and he’s still in our bed many nights. The literature told me repeatedly not to do it, but my instincts overpowered it all on his second night home. The moment I placed him in the crib a few feet from our bed, I felt off. Each time I couldn’t hear him breathing I would get up and stare at his chest until I saw it rise and fall — that happened about every fifteen minutes. I wasn’t getting any sleep. I was relieved when he finally cried for milk, as I could bring him into the bed. But then, staying true to the recommendations I had received, I carried him back to the crib and laid him down. He immediately woke up and started crying. We repeated the nurse, crib, cry, nurse again routine until the sun came up. I hadn’t fallen asleep once. The next day, I reread the studies, or at least their conclusions.

Here’s how I interpreted the information: cosleeping is most dangerous in a bed with parents who drink, smoke, take drugs, or are extremely heavy sleepers. Eric and I were none of those. “They” also advised against cosleeping in a soft bed. We had a super firm mattress. Regarding bedding, we didn’t sleep with a top sheet, and I knew I could keep the blanket away from Hudson by tucking it around my waist.

So I defied the expert advice and we coslept the following night — and it felt right. My blanket strategy worked, and I naturally slept with my arm arched around the top of his head (preventing the pillow from getting near his face), and my legs tucked up under his feet. He was in a mama cocoon, and I was immediately aware of anything that tried to invade it. I also stirred at his every movement — there was no heavy sleeping happening. But overall, we both got more sleep, as minimal shuffling and

waking were needed when he was ready to nurse. He never rolled out of the supine position (lying on his back), and he would simply turn his head to the side when he wanted milk. For me, this practice transformed early motherhood by allowing me to get decent sleep, almost entirely dissolving my fear of SIDS, and solidifying my bond with Hudson.

I don’t say any of that to convince you to do as I did. Because as I’ve learned from working with hundreds of mothers and babies, every pair has a unique experience with just about everything. I tell you that story because I want you to understand the thought process that led me to the decision to cosleep. Do with it what you will.

Now, let’s hear from science.

Cosleeping: What the Experts Say

Medical Experts

Here are key findings about bed-sharing from the medical community:

•A report published by the American Academy of Pediatrics states that regardless of parental smoking or breastfeeding status, there is an increased risk of SIDS when bed-sharing if the baby is younger than four months.

•A study in Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report found that 61 percent of respondents from a 2015 Pregnancy Risk Assessment Monitoring System (PRAMS) survey reported bed-sharing with their infant, at least some of the time.

•According to a study published in Pediatrics, breastfeeding infants who routinely shared a bed with their mother breast-fed approximately three times longer during the night than infants who slept separately. The study also suggested that because bed-sharing could increase breastfeeding, it might protect against SIDS “in some contexts.”

•Showing how much care providers can impact our choices, a study published in JAMA Pediatrics stated that out of the 54 percent of 18,986 participants who talked with a doctor about bed-sharing, 73 percent reported receiving negative advice; 21 percent, neutral advice; and 6 percent, positive advice. Not surprisingly, those who received negative advice where less likely to bed-share, and those who received neutral or positive advice were more likely to bed-share.

•A study in Pediatrics analyzed 239 cases of SIDS, finding that bed-sharing was reported in 39 percent. In addition, 43 percent noted maternal smoking and 72 percent did not breastfeed. Researchers found that the bed-sharing cases had increased bedding risks and more babies in the prone (face-down) position. They also reported that bed-sharing was especially risky when the mother smoked, the mother slept with the baby on a sofa, the infant was younger than eleven weeks, or there was someone in the bed that wasn’t one of the baby’s parents, like a sibling.

•A study published in the British Medical Journal suggested that the risk of bed sharing seems to be more connected to the infant being exposed to secondhand smoke than to the possibility of a parent rolling on the baby, or to overheating.

•Another study in the British Medical Journal found that co-sleeping on a sofa significantly increased the risk of SIDS. The study also found that when parents do not smoke and the infant is older than fourteen weeks, cosleeping did not increase the risk of SIDS. In addition, the study stated that the SIDS risk for younger infants seems to be associated with recent parental consumption of alcohol, overcrowded housing conditions, extreme parental tiredness, and the infant being under a duvet.

•And to exhibit just how unlikely SIDS is while bed-sharing with a healthy baby: a person is more likely to be hit by lightning during their lifetime in the United States (1 in 15,300) than a low-risk baby is to die of SIDS while bed sharing (1 in 16,400). The takeaway from medical experts is that the risk of cosleeping is not the same across the board. It largely depends on the health of the baby and the risk factors in the sleeping environment, such as parents who smoke and drink.

Anthropologists

While I think it’s important to honor the research performed by medical professionals, I believe it’s equally valuable to consider the findings of experts in the field of human behavior and cultures.

•Anthropologist James McKenna at the University of Notre Dame performed a comprehensive cosleeping study that found that mothers create a type of “shield” around the baby as they sleep. Being in this shield helps the baby regulate their heart rate, and carbon dioxide from the mother collects around the baby’s face, prompting them to take a breath. They also observed that the baby rarely moved around during sleep, instead staying next to the mother, with their face pointed toward the breast. It’s like the mother’s body creates a microenvironment that helps the baby’s body learn how to stay alive.

•McKenna has also found that safely bed-sharing can be an important mechanism in regulating an infant’s sleep development, and that mothers in many other cultures, and in species like nonhuman primates, understand this connection and have thus practiced bed-sharing from the beginning. He also comments on how US culture strongly values independence and fails to honor the fact that infants are inherently dependent, especially on the mother. In addition, countries that commonly practice bed-sharing, like Japan, have children who gain a sense of safety and comfort from this close contact with the parents, which then gives them confidence to flex their autonomy. Instead of fostering dependence, the bed-sharing is promoting independence.

•Bed-sharing is a common practice in Japan, where it is referred to as kawa no ji. This term is represented by the character for river, which looks like this: 川. According to a study published in Pediatrics, Japan has one of the lowest rates of SIDS in the world, and the United States has one of the highest. Crosscultural data also shows that cultures where co-sleeping and breastfeeding are the norm have either no cases of SIDS or incredibly low rates.

•Studies have shown that bed-sharing causes mother and infant to spend more time in light sleep than deep sleep, and that they often arouse around the same times. This is especially supportive of bed-sharing with infants who have difficulty waking themselves when experiencing something like apnea (temporary cessation of breathing), which is a risk factor for SIDS.

•Historians have documented the origin of the practice of having infants sleep alone; it likely began in the last five hundred years, when poor, starving women in areas of Europe smothered the infant during sleep because they didn’t have the means to provide for them. After hearing women confess this, Catholic priests began banning parents from having their infants sleep in the parental bed.

•It’s common practice in Bali to hold a baby until it falls asleep, then have the baby sleep in its parent’s bed, as the Balinese believe the child is “vulnerable to spirit risks” during sleep.

•Research has shown that early mother-infant separation can impact a child’s long-term mental health. A study of 2,080 families showed that regular mother-child separation was related to higher levels of negativity and aggression in the child. The researchers found that it was essential that the child believe their mother would respond if they called, or cried in the case of an infant. They found that children who were securely attached to their mother were better able to tolerate physical distance as they aged. Essentially, more close contact with the mother in early life equaled more independence as the child grew up.

•A study done by anthropologist Helen Ball found that parents who bed-shared with their breastfed babies had safer sleeping conditions than parents who bed-shared with formula-fed babies. The formula-fed babies typically slept with their head level with the mother’s head, either on a pillow or between the parent’s pillows, did not arouse as much as their breast-fed counterparts, and had mothers who slept in a variety of positions. In contrast, the mothers who breastfed their babies slept the entire night with their baby level with the breast (far away from pillows), formed a protective arch around the baby, and aroused more often, usually at the same time as their infant.

What to do

Make the decision that feels safest to you. If you try cosleeping and you’re panicked the entire night, switch to a bassinet, bedside sleeper, or whatever your baby-bed of choice is. But if your instincts are screaming at you to try cosleeping, make sure you do the following first:

Confirm there aren’t obvious risks. I want to reiterate that although the American Academy of Pediatrics does not recommend cosleeping under any circumstance, they note that it’s especially dangerous if you or your partner drink, smoke, take drugs (even if they’re prescribed drugs — as they can make you drowsy), or are heavy sleepers. If you fall under any of those categories, cosleeping is ill advised. In addition, a baby under twelve months should not sleep in a bed with another child.

Create a safe bed. Before cosleeping, make sure you have a firm mattress, without a cushy topper. In addition, move out any nonessential bedding. For example, you could move all pillows out of the bed with the exception of one pillow for yourself and one for your partner, ditch the top sheet, and tuck the blanket under your hips to make sure the blanket won’t bunch up around baby’s face.

Consider baby’s health. Because a baby who was born prematurely, is underweight, or has health issues has a higher risk of SIDS, you might want to hold off on cosleeping until any health risks have passed. Your baby’s pediatrician can help you develop a thorough understanding of your child’s current health status.

Evaluate how the cosleeping trial went. After your first night of co-sleeping, consider how safe it felt. Did it transform your sleep and baby’s? Did feeling their warm breath on your chest the entire night make you feel secure? Or did it keep you awake and anxious? Did anything happen that could have threatened their safety? Does it feel like the most natural thing in the world? Or something you’re forcing? Listen to your instincts.

Continually reassess. Evaluate your decision as things change. For example, because respiratory infections are believed to increase the risk for SIDS, you might consider reassessing your cosleeping arrangement if baby develops this type of illness. Or if you or your partner drink one night, smoke a cigarette (or are even just around smoke), or take a medication that can cause drowsiness, carefully consider whether it’s safe for baby to sleep in your bed. The main point: always be considering what the safest sleeping arrangements are for your baby.

How’s that for a murky answer to this question?! This was one of the hardest questions for me to answer, as my feelings around cosleeping are such a mixed bag. As I recommend with all the information I provide, take it with a grain of salt, seek information from various sources, and make decisions that feel best to you. You are so much wiser than you likely give yourself credit for.

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Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

Don’t you hate it when people discount your feelings with the “at least you have a healthy baby” line? I mean, sure, they don’t mean to discount your feelings and are (probably) trying to cheer you up, but they’re missing the point. You don’t want to be cheered up, at least in the beginning. You want someone to make you feel like your disappointment is okay and normal. That you have every right to be bummed about a labor and delivery that didn’t go as you’d hoped. You likely put in significant preparation to have a certain type of birth experience, and it’s a real loss when aspects of it (or all of it) don’t go as planned.

Speaking of that preparation, it’s irritating and hurtful when people make us feel foolish for having hopes for birth beyond getting the baby out, and having the audacity to write out these hopes in the form of birth preferences. But we have every right to infuse our birth experience with hope and intention. And often, that positive forethought and preparation does enhance the birth experience, even if it doesn’t unfold in the exact way we wanted it to. When it doesn’t happen as we’d hoped — even if there are only a few pieces we’re upset with — we should be free to feel mad, upset, or whatever else is coming up.

As you feel those emotions and work through the process described below, I want you to hold on to the truth that you did everything you could with the tools at your disposal to have the best possible birth experience. Even if you’re kicking yourself for making a decision that you feel derailed your experience, like saying yes to an intervention that went awry, know that you don’t deserve the blame or shame you’re probably dumping on yourself. What you do deserve is to take the birth story and emotions you have and put in the time and care to work through them, instead of masking them.

What to do

Feel the feelings. Before you give up your story and emotions for interpretation, allow it to all flow through you. This unobstructed feeling can help you figure out what you’re actually upset about. Start this process by taking these steps:

Seek privacy. Have someone watch baby for a set period of time and go to a private space to cry, rage, write — do whatever you need to begin the process of exploration and release.

Talk to someone who was present at your birth. It’s common for women to forget many of the details of their birth experience, which can make it difficult to figure out why we’re upset. By gathering all the facts from someone who was there, you can gain clarity about the circumstances your feelings are stemming from.

Hold your birth story and emotions close. Now that you’re understanding the root of your emotions and have given yourself permission to feel them, choose the people you talk to wisely. If your intuition tells you that your mother-in-law or sister, for example, might brush off your feelings, you’ll want to choose someone else to confide in. If you want a sure bet, find a therapist you trust, as they’re almost guaranteed to be an active listener and abstain from “at least you have a healthy baby” comments.

Stand tall in your emotions. When you’re met with an unsympathetic response to your reaction to your birth experience, resist the urge to agree with it. Many of us are so wary of disagreement that we agree with someone even when we don’t actually agree. Although smiling, nodding, and saying, “Yeah, I guess you’re right” when someone says, “At least you have a healthy baby” sounds harmless enough, it’s actually giving your mind the message that your feelings aren’t valid. So instead of agreeing, just change the subject. Realize that this person isn’t the right recipient for your birth concerns, and commit to finding someone else to talk to.

If you’re feeling guilty about prioritizing the acknowledgment and processing of your feelings, remember that it’s not frivolous or ungrateful. It’s the best way to fully integrate with the intense journey you went through, extract the insights that live within that journey, and move forward with a clear emotional canvas.

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Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

Oh, hemorrhoids. Those little demons were my constant companions from month six of pregnancy to six months postpartum. And they still like to come for unwelcome visits every now and then. Their specialties are soreness, itchiness, and embarrassment, and they take great pride in being the ultimate pain in the….They range in size from chickpea to grap

So first off, what are they? They are swollen veins in the lowest area of your rectum, or anus. Internal hemorrhoids often go unnoticed, while external hemorrhoids — swollen lumps poking out of the anus — are constantly saying hi. If a blood clot forms in the hemorrhoid (thrombosis), it will likely turn blue or purple. Often, a bit of blood on your poop is caused by hemorrhoids. These beauties can be caused by the following:

• The weight of the baby pressing on the rectum
• Progesterone during pregnancy relaxing the walls of the veins, making them more prone to swelling
• Heavy-duty pushing when pooping (often a result of constipation) or pushing a baby out
• Serious exertion when doing something like lifting a heavy object
• Excess weight

While hemorrhoids usually go away after a few weeks, there will likely be “skin bags” poking out of the anus forevermore. (But they shouldn’t hurt or itch.) And now for some pictures! Just kidding.

What to do

Here’s how to soothe the fury of the hemorrhoid:

Sit on soft surfaces. Soften the impact of sitting by swapping hard surfaces for soft. You can also make a pillow your constant companion.

Ice ’em. Sit on the toilet and hold a piece of ice, or an ice pack, on the hemorrhoids to reduce swelling.

Swap toilet paper for witch hazel wipes. Standard TP usually doesn’t do the trick when trying to wipe away all the poop particles stuck in the crevices of hemorrhoids. So use witch hazel wipes instead. The moisture of these wipes does a better clean-up job, and the witch hazel helps relieve itchiness, pain, and swelling.

Become one with hemorrhoid cream. Many hemorrhoid creams contain lidocaine (Hello, numbness!) and healing ingredients like hydrocortisone, vitamin E, and aloe vera.

Drown them in a warm bath. Soaking in a regular tub or a sitz bath minimizes itchiness, pain, and swelling. You can add Epsom salt or a splash of apple cider vinegar to the water to promote healing.

Load up on fiber, and drink more water. As hemorrhoids can be caused and agitated by constipation, ear fiber-rich foods like avocados, lentils, chickpeas, oats, chia seeds, almonds, pears, raspberries, and of course, prunes. In addition, drink plenty of water, as it helps soften fecal matter and keeps it moving.

Use a footstool when pooping. Propping your feet up on a stool when using the bathroom helps you get into a squatting position, which stimulates the bowels, making it easier to get it all out without too much force.

See your care provider if they’re really bugging you. If the external hemorrhoids seem excessively uncomfortable or are regularly causing rectal bleeding, check in with your care provider.

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Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

I’m in a similar community. (Hi, Ojai!) Many moms here have home births, and those who need a C-section, or even an epidural, are often embarrassed to talk about it. But what I’ve discovered is that almost every time someone is brave enough to talk honestly about their birth experience, they’re met with understanding, regardless of the type of birth they had. Often the source of judgment about our birth that we face comes more from within, than from our community. In essence: you don’t need to lie.

I was at a baby shower once where moms sat in a circle sharing their birth stories. Woman after woman told tales of empowering home births (some orgasmic!), until it came to a woman who would not look away from her hands, clenched in her lap. The host asked if she wanted to pass, but she took a deep breath and said no. Then she told us about her C-section. It wasn’t an emergency situation that led her to the C-section, but a series of events that made her feel that a C-section was the best option. “I feel weird saying this,” she said, “but it was actually a pretty positive birth. I had a great doctor who didn’t pressure me into anything, and a surgeon who talked to me in a really encouraging way through the operation.” As she spoke, I scanned the faces of the other women. No one was looking judgy — everyone was smiling and nodding. The woman sharing looked so relieved when she was done. And then, something really cool happened. One of the women who had already told us about her home birth said that her second birth experience had been a C-section, but she had been nervous to talk about it. Then another woman shared a similar story. That one woman having the courage to talk about her C-section in the land of home births made other women feel safe to do the same. I think more often than not this is what happens. Women are afraid they’ll be judged for their cesarean birth story, but instead they’re met with compassion and even relief that someone else is openly talking about it.

But what about that rare person who does pass judgment? Even if the judgment is as subtle as a slight lift of the eyebrows when you tell them about your C-section? Well, that person can go to h-e-double-hockey- sticks. Just kidding. But really, it’s so lame when people are critical about someone else’s very personal journey. If you get stuck in this type of unfortunate encounter, remind yourself that their reaction has so much more to do with them than with you. They likely have a mental catalog of stories, information, and personal experiences that have formed their biased opinion of C-sections. That’s where their reaction is coming from — it’s not an indication that your choice was wrong or that you’re a “bad mom.” Let them feel how they feel about C-sections, and make a mental note to not discuss your birth with them again.

What to do

Here are some ideas to help you not take judgments about your C-section personally and hopefully avoid those condemnatory conversations entirely:

Come to terms with your birth experience before you talk to your community about it. If you’re still processing your C-section, you’ll understandably be much more sensitive to reactions to your birth story. For example, if you’re still trying to decide if the C-section was something you wanted, and you talk to a person who believes pretty much all C-sections are just a money-making scheme, their feedback will likely color how you see your own experience.

To help ensure that your feelings about your birth are built by your beliefs and experiences instead of those of others, spend time reviewing the events that led up to your C-section. How did you feel before, during, and after the surgery? What elements do you feel good about? What do you not feel good about? Do you have questions about the birth? After considering these questions, discuss your findings with the people who were with you during the birth.

Sit with your birth story until you have a solid understanding of what happened, and how you feel about it. Getting to this place before you give the story up for interpretation can make you less vulnerable to judgment, and more capable of sharing the story only with people you believe will be supportive.

Be selective about who you share your story with. First of all, you’re under no obligation to share your story with anyone. If someone asks how your birth went, you can be super general. For example, “It went great. Baby and I are both healthy.” But it can feel good to share your story with certain people, especially if you’re disappointed by the birth and need to vent or mourn. Set yourself up for positive, cathartic encounters by sharing your story only with people you trust, people who won’t pass judgment.

Have a go-to response for the rare time when someone is judgmental. If you unexpectedly find yourself in a conversation with a Fault Finder, have a script ready to get you out of it. For example, if someone starts going on about the dangers of C-sections, how much risk you put yourself in, how you let yourself be manipulated, how difficult it will be to have a vaginal birth now, or one of the other common objections some people have about C-sections, you can simply say, “You know, I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about the experience and would love to press pause on this conversation until I have time to do that.” You’re not required to get sucked into their vortex of opinions.

Be sure you’re not the one passing judgment. As it’s often easier to spot someone else’s judgments than our own, stay aware of your own responses to the birthing decisions of others. Because even when we know how hurtful it is to be on the receiving end of judgment, we can still give in to the impulse to throw around criticism, especially toward the person throwing it at us. But we’re better than that. And while passing judgment can provide initial satisfaction, it often leaves a yucky emotional residue. So let’s make our kindergarten teachers proud and practice that Golden Rule: treat others the way we want to be treated.

Remember that you don’t need to justify your choice. You have every right to choose whatever type of birth feels best to you, regardless of the circumstances. No one has to agree with your choice for that to be true. While it’s obviously fine to justify your decision, you don’t have to. If someone seems judgmental of your C-section, it’s not your job to change their mind — it’s their job to examine their biases and figure out how to be accepting of other people’s choices.

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Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

Sister, you’ve just spent nine months abstaining from all the relaxing vices and are now in the thick of motherhood. I don’t blame you for wanting to indulge in some Mary Jane. And now that it’s decriminalized in many states and legalized in others, it’s even more tempting. But like any responsible breastfeeding mama, you want to make sure what you put in your body doesn’t screw with your baby’s body.

The tricky thing with marijuana is that it sticks around in your body longer than something like alcohol, so you can’t “pump and dump.” Various studies have detected small quantities of THC (the psychoactive component of cannabis) in breastmilk from six days to more than six weeks after use. And a study published in Pediatrics found that more than four hundred chemicals in marijuana can transfer into breastmilk. The researchers also reported that typically less THC was detected when the mother used edibles or topicals, instead of smoking. As an added bonus, edibles and topicals don’t expose baby to secondhand smoke. However, all delivery methods expose the baby to THC.

Shedding a less damaging light on marijuana use and breastfeeding is a 2018 study published in Obstetrics & Gynecology that reported the concentration of THC in breastmilk was about 2.5 percent of what the mother received, and of that, only around 1 to 5 percent is absorbed by the baby. So the dose is pretty minimal. In addition, they found that levels of THC in breastmilk were undetectable twenty-four hours after a mother who only occasionally used marijuana ceased use.

But because it’s hard to go twenty-four hours without breastfeeding (at least with an infant), it’s assumed a baby would consume some THC before it was metabolized out of the milk. In the case of chronic marijuana users, the study discovered that it took much longer than twenty-four hours for THC levels to become undetectable — it could potentially take up to four days. This study suggests that risks might be minimal if a mother uses marijuana infrequently and waits twenty-four hours between use and breastfeeding. However, they still urge caution.

Regarding the effects of marijuana — specifically, THC — on the baby, limited research has found that occasional maternal use of marijuana during breastfeeding didn’t have noticeable effects on the infant — but this research did not rule out long-term risks. It’s also believed that THC could alter baby’s brain and motor development, slow weight gain, reduce milk production, and diminish the baby’s ability to suckle.

The bottom line: I don’t have a straight answer for you. Limited research has indicated marijuana can have negative impacts on baby. Continued research might discover a safe amount for a breastfeeding mother to consume, but unfortunately, we don’t currently have that information. So in many ways, the choice of whether to use marijuana when breastfeeding comes down to the level of uncertainty and risk you’re comfortable with.

Make informed decisions by trying the following:

Check with your care provider: With something as little understood as consuming marijuana when breastfeeding, it’s best to check with your care provider before proceeding. While they’ll likely tell you to “just say no,” if you push you may be able to get some information about the amount they think would probably, maybe, possibly be safe. And if you’re hoping to use marijuana for a condition like anxiety and you’d be using it in place of a pharmaceutical, your care provider might determine that the risks of marijuana for the baby are less than the risks of a certain pill. You can also get a second or third opinion to gain a more well-rounded perspective.

Purchase from a dispensary: If you choose to occasionally partake in ganja, know that it’s not all created equal, which is why it’s best to purchase it from a dispensary instead of getting it from a friend. Dispensaries typically have staff trained in the various strains and delivery methods and can help you choose an option best suited to your unique needs. But again, I wouldn’t take this route until you get the go-ahead from your care provider.

Don’t bed-share. If you use marijuana, hold off on bed-sharing the same day, as you might experience heavier sleep.

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Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

It’s safe, so long as you’re drinking only your own breastmilk. Because when you’re drinking milk from your body, you’re not exposed to anything you haven’t already been exposed to. That safety does not extend to the strange trend among bodybuilders of purchasing untested breastmilk at high prices on the internet. I even had an exboyfriend text me after I gave birth, brazenly asking if I would give him my leftover milk. My response: “Uh, no. I don’t have milk to spare, and if I did, I would donate it to a milk bank, not your vanity.” Many milk banks create a safe environment for the exchange of breastmilk, as they ensure that the mother donating milk is free of health conditions, medications, and other substances that could contaminate breastmilk. Milk sold through shady sources online could contain anything from germs found in human waste to Staphylococcus and Streptococcus bacteria (not dinosaurs). Yummy.

Back to your milk. While you can definitely benefit from the proteins and vitamins in it, it’s not nearly as amazing for you as it is for baby. It’s custom made for them, helping ensure they get the exact nutrients and immune-boosting goodies they need during early development. Much of what you get from breastmilk is akin to what you’d get from eating a healthy diet. But if you have enough to spare and are motivated to make your breast milk part of your diet, anecdotal evidence has shown it could…

• Increase energy
• Boost immunity
• Clear up acne when applied to the face
• Soothe Crohn’s disease and rheumatoid arthritis symptoms
• Build muscle
• Help erectile dysfunction (No wonder steroid-filled bodybuilders are all about breastmilk.)

So swigging breastmilk could have some perks, but it might be put to better use by a baby whose mama can’t produce enough. But that’s 100 percent your call — no judgment either way! I have a friend who can’t consume dairy but also can’t stand plant-based milk. She tried her breastmilk in her cereal and coffee and loved it. She now has a massive frozen supply of her milk to use for breakfast.

What to do

You might as well…

Give it a try. If you’re curious about sipping your special sauce, go for it. If you’re primarily interested in it for potential health benefits, try it for a week and notice whether you experience any positive changes. Or if you just like the taste and prefer using it over cow or plant milk, keep on drinkin’.

Consider donating the milk. If you’re not fully committed to drinking your milk but want something to do with your surplus, contact local hospitals to see if they accept donations. You can also reach out to legit milk banks at the following websites:

• hmbana.org
• medolac.com
• prolacta.com
• lactalogics.com

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Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

Dang those little nipple biters. I remember the first time it happened to me. An ungodly pain ripped through my chest, I arched my back, unintentionally chomped the side of my tongue, and held my breath, unable to look down. I was sure my nipple had been beheaded. When I finally peeked, I expected to see a wicked grin on my six-month-old’s face. Instead I saw his perfect, soft, squishy, innocent sleep face. “How can something so adorable do something so evil?” I thought. Thus began the one-month nightmare of living in breastfeeding purgatory.

Hudson had inexplicably developed the habit of chomping on my nipple while falling asleep. As the nipple would start sliding out of his mouth, he would clamp down. It felt personal, and it pissed me off. “How dare you bite me when I’m feeding you my milk.” Sometimes I would actually say that. One time I flicked him so hard on the cheek he started to cry. Then I started to cry. During the few biting encounters when I could hold it together, I’d slide my finger between his gums, break the latch, and refuse to nurse him until the memory of the trauma faded. No one was happy. But after a month, it just stopped and we started liking each other again.

My story is not unique. I’ve had countless women call me, crying that they’d screamed at their baby after being bit. Many said the reaction made their baby hesitant to nurse. And, not surprisingly, the mothers were hesitant to hand over the nipple.

I’ll start to break down the cruel phenomenon of nipple biting by first stating the obvious: your baby is not biting you because they secretly hate you. Here are a few reasons why this oh-so-unfortunate scenario might be occurring:

-The biting is a reflex. Just like the reflex to root, suck, swallow, and gag, babies sometimes have the instinct to bite.

-You baby is teething and wants to chew on everything. Everything.

-Their brain is curious about cause and effect, so they chomp the nip to see what happens.

-They have a cold or an ear infection. If baby has a hard time swallowing because of a stuffy nose or pain in the ear, they might be inclined to bite when nursing. Luckily, that should cease when the cold or infection clears up. In the meantime, get them in a sitting position while nursing and use a humidifier as often as possible. If they’re tugging on their ear, take them to the pediatrician for treatment for a potential ear infection.

What to do

Kindly ask your baby not to bite, as they’re very responsive to logical requests. What’s that you say? Your baby doesn’t acquiesce when you request they sleep through the night, stop puking on your favorite shirt, and not pee on you while changing their diaper? Well in that case, here are a few ideas for surviving the biting phase. Solidarity, my sore-nippled sister.

Be vigilant about positioning. Baby will be less likely to bite when their head is angled back, their tummy is pressed against your upper abdomen, and they have a deep latch. When they have this good latch and are actively nursing, they can’t bite, as their tongue will be covering their lower teeth or gums.

Learn the pre-biting signs. Start paying attention to what your baby is doing right before they bite, as this can help you remove the nipple before it turns into a teething tool. For example, Hudson would bite when he was really drowsy. Some babies bite when they’ve emptied the breast but are still sucking for comfort. Other babies are prone to biting when they’re teething, so if they seem to be extra fussy and are cutting teeth, be wary. I’ve also heard of babies biting when they get distracted and turn their head away from mama’s body. Another big sign of a potential, impending bite is baby pulling their tongue back.

Make sure baby is on a “loaded” breast. As I mentioned before, babies don’t bite when they’re swallowing. So pay attention to how full the breast they’re feeding off is, and switch to the other side when it seems nearly drained. This helps prevent the lull in swallowing that can lead to a bite.

Unlatch baby with your finger. While your first instinct may be to yank baby away from your breast when they bite, this could further damage the offended nipple. Instead, slip your finger between their gums to break the latch. When you feel the release — you might also hear a little pop — remove the nipple tout suite.

Stop nursing, but not forever. After baby bites, stop nursing to inform them that nursing can’t continue after a bite. However, when the bite’s no longer fresh in everyone’s mind (I’m talkin’ around fifteen minutes, not many days), you’re probably safe to recommence nursing.

Offer something else for them to chew on. If you suspect baby is using your nipple as a teether, give them something else to gnaw on. When Hudson went through this, I kept a few teethers by my prime breastfeeding locations and swapped my nipple for a teether as soon as he stopped consistently swallowing.

Don’t beat yourself up for a loud reaction. While we obviously don’t want to respond to a bit nip with a physical action that could hurt the baby, it’s only natural that you yelp, or curse, or let out some other loud noise. I can almost guarantee you didn’t stop to think, “Hmm, what kind of noise can I make that will scare my baby?” No, I’ll bet it just happened, because that’s what happens when a private part (or any part) is bit out of nowhere. Your baby might cry or look offended at your noise-of-not-choice, but you did nothing wrong and don’t need to feel guilty.

Apologize. Not feeling guilty is easier said than done. So if that guilt is sparked after you’ve screamed bloody nipple, just apologize — it’s a classic way to make amends. While baby can’t fully understand your apology, they will be soothed by your calm voice and loving facial expression. And they get over slights shockingly fast.

Don’t wean, unless you were wanting to wean before the biting started. If you love breastfeeding, don’t let the biting scare you away, as it will likely be a short-lived phase.

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Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

One of the causes of those pleasurable sensations is oxytocin. Your body pumps it out when breastfeeding to encourage you to keep doing it and bond with baby. It’s the most natural thing in the world. And the reason it’s messing with your head is likely that our culture oversexualizes breasts. You’ve probably been programmed your entire life to associate breasts with sex. Because of this, breastfeeding can turn you on and even cause sexual fantasies. And there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re not fantasizing about your baby, you’re fantasizing about a tryst with your partner, or Thor, or whomever. And more women than you realize experience this; you just don’t hear about it because society has made the topic super taboo.

Speaking of taboo, some women even report orgasming while breastfeeding. In most of these cases, the woman has her legs crossed, which causes clitoral stimulation. That stimulation, coupled with uterine contractions from the oxytocin and nipple stimulation from the breastfeeding, pushes them over the edge. While many of these women say they’re horrified by this reaction, they don’t need to be. They suddenly had a baby sucking on a part of their body that’s always been an erogenous zone, while other parts of their body that play a part in arousal (the clitoris and uterus) were also being stimulated. They weren’t making a conscious choice to be aroused — biology was doing it for them. It’s understandable to feel resistance to this type of situation, but know that the emotional discomfort will pass. Here’s how it happens . . .

As you continue breastfeeding, your perspective on your breasts will shift from “sexy time trigger” to “feeder of child.” In addition, the prolactin your body is pumping out to produce milk will induce maternal behavior, like a desire to cuddle your baby, fostering the shift in your

relationship with your breasts. While you wait for this change, keep reminding yourself that you’re not a pervert for enjoying the sensations of breastfeeding — that’s just biology rewarding you for giving your baby the gift of mega-nutrients.

In addition to feeling pleasure when breastfeeding, it’s common for your nipples to get hard. This is another phenomenon we usually associate with being turned on (or being cold), and it makes some women uncomfortable. But the nipples are hardening just to meet breastfeeding’s anatomical requirements, as your nipples have to be somewhat erect for baby to latch on. It’s normal for your nipples to harden when stimulated, whether that stimulation is your baby’s mouth, your shirt rubbing against them, or a fondle from your partner. The hardening is sexual only when you give it that label.

It’s also helpful (and maybe a little frustrating) to know that lactating will shift your sexual encounters in a few ways. According to an article published in the Journal of Perinatal Education, during lactation you experience little to no vaginal lubrication when you’re turned on (Oh hi there, lube!), and milk can potentially eject from the breasts during orgasm. In addition, the longer you breastfeed, the more your perspective on your breasts gets embedded in “mom zone,” to the point where you may have little sexual response when they’re touched sexually. The researchers go on to explain that the mix of prolactin and oxytocin that’s released during breastfeeding can also satisfy your need for connection and affection in such a complete way that you don’t seek it as much from your partner. Being aware of all this can help ensure you don’t unintentionally neglect your bond with your honey.

What to do

Here are a few ways to avoid shaming yourself for feeling pleasure when breastfeeding and to maintain a connection with your partner.

Shift your perception of physical pleasure. Many of us associate pleasure in the more sensual areas of our body (e.g., breasts and vagina), and definitely orgasm, with sexual encounters. This is understandable, as sexual encounters (with yourself or someone else) are the primary reason you experience these sensations…until you have a baby. But the “sexual” label we put on these sensations is all in our head. Our body doesn’t care why it’s feeling good, it just likes to feel good. The mind is what gets in the way when we have those warm, tingly feelings while breastfeeding. So give yourself permission to take sexual meaning away from those sensations — at least when breastfeeding. You can start thinking of them as a lovely by-product of feeding your baby — a present for all the hard work you’re putting in. And just like that, you can wipe away shame and guilt.

Find ways to stay connected to your partner. Because breastfeeding can satisfy your need for physical connection, you might find your desire to be affectionate with your partner is weakening. While there’s nothing wrong with this in the short term, it could negatively impact your relationship if it goes on for too long. To fortify that connection, find ways to be intimate with your partner without sacrificing your needs. For example, if you can’t stand being touched after a marathon round of breastfeeding, ask your partner to keep their hands off for at least an hour. When you feel your resistance to touch wearing off, ask them if they want to cuddle while you both play with the baby or watch a movie.

This might feel contrived in the beginning, but the more you commit to reestablishing that physical bond, the more you’ll enjoy it. The key is that the connection be on your terms as you find your way back to intimacy. Feeling forced to be intimate could make you resent your partner, which isn’t good for anyone. Take it slow and steady, and eventually you’ll relish a long hug, or a roll in the sheets.

Create new rules for breast fondling. Once I started breastfeeding, nothing turned me off more than having my boobs touched by my husband. I never told him how I was feeling, and understandably, he took it personally when I swatted him away. Be wiser than me and talk to your special person if you notice yourself cringing when they go for your milk jugs. Explain that it has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with your new relationship with your breasts. You can also reassure them that when baby eventually weans, you’ll probably become more comfortable with boob play.

With that said, you might be cool with certain types of breast touch, but not all. For example, I have a friend who enjoyed her husband gently cupping her breasts, but couldn’t stand him touching her nipples with his hands or mouth. She let him know how she felt, and he honored her guidelines. If you’re not quite sure what you are and aren’t comfortable with, have your partner test out various types of fondling and let them know what feels good.

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Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

Solidarity, sister. This largely selfless act takes previously perky boobs and puts them through multiple, daily metamorphoses. During my breastfeeding days, my B-cup tatas would suddenly inflate to DDs in the morning, and after thirty minutes of baby-feeding, they looked like deflated water balloons. Then a couple hours later, they were back in Pamela Anderson territory. As you likely suspect, these size shifts are thanks to the boob-filling and draining that takes place multiple times a day. The constant change does a number on your breast’s skin and tissue — so when a woman weans her baby, she’s often left with a flatter, saggier version of her former chest. But not always! Women with smaller breasts and those with more elastic skin sometimes don’t notice a big change when they’re done breastfeeding. (I get into ways to nurture your bosom buddies in the “What to do” section.)

Now for your nipples. The darkening, which is normal, is caused by pregnancy hormones stimulating pigment-producing cells. The nipples often appear bigger because they’re being drawn out each time baby feeds. These darker, larger nipples can be helpful, as they serve as bull’s-eye “Eat Here” signs for baby. Nipples usually return to their pre-pregnancy size and color (or something close to it) after you wean.

You might also notice those little bumps on your areolas (aka Montgomery glands) plumping up. These bumps secrete sebum, a light yellow, oily substance that keeps your nipples moisturized and clean and emits an odor that attracts baby.

Another thing you can expect from your nipples — for now and forever more — is that they’ll pretty much always be at attention. Months of being sucked train them to stay alert. I enjoy this change, as it gives the illusion that my boobs are perkier than they are.

What to do

While there’s no way to avoid the boob restyling that comes with breastfeeding, there are ways to support your skin and emotional health during the changes:

Become one with organic oil and shea butter. Regularly massaging your breasts with organic oil or shea butter increases suppleness and blood flow. This can minimize stretch marks and help skin bounce back after weaning.

Drink plenty of water. Hydration has a big impact on your skin’s elasticity, which is why you want to drink a minimum of eight glasses of water a day — preferably more.

Eat vitamin-rich foods. The vitamins in healthy foods have a big impact on what’s going on in and under your skin. Here are the vitamins you want to get more of:

-Vitamin A stimulates the growth of new skin cells, which can prevent dryness. It can also curb cell damage and premature skin aging. Foods rich in vitamin A include salmon, eggs, carrots, tomatoes, sweet potatoes, and leafy greens.

-Vitamin C helps your skin bounce back from stretching, promotes collagen production, heals damaged skin, reduces the appearance of wrinkles, and hydrates skin. As an added bonus, it has cancer-fighting properties. Get your vitamin C on by noshing on citrus fruits, strawberries, broccoli, and spinach.

-Vitamin D helps skin stretch, grow, and repair. Get your vitamin D with about ten minutes of sun each day and eating foods like salmon, cod, tuna, and mushrooms. It’s also present in fortified foods like milk, yogurt, cereal, and orange juice.

-Vitamin E is a powerful antioxidant that can reduce wrinkles, inflammation, and dryness, and it might minimize the appearance of scars (aka stretch marks). You can get it from sunflower seeds, almonds, hazelnuts, spinach, mangoes, avocadoes, and butternut squash.

Exfoliate. Once a week, gently rub your breasts with a dry brush or use a sugar scrub in the shower, as exfoliation can promote new skin growth and increase blood circulation, which can regenerate skin and enhance elasticity. Make a homemade sugar scrub by mixing one-half cup of brown sugar with three tablespoons coconut or olive oil and two tablespoons raw honey.

Talk with your partner about your insecurities. If the changes in your breasts make you insecure, tell your partner, as these feelings might impact your willingness to be naked in front of them. It’s also important for them to know so they can be sensitive about how you’re feeling and can maybe even pump up your confidence with compliments about your amazing lactating breasts.

It’s natural to develop insecurities when experiencing rapid changes in various parts of the body, but you don’t have to navigate the emotions these changes trigger alone.

Honor the shifts as a reminder of the gift you’re giving your child. If you get bummed because breastfeeding is almost constantly remodeling your boobs, shift your focus from what they look like to what they can do. They make milk that’s custom designed for your baby! That’s so cool — and something not all boobs can do. Some women would happily give up their breasts’ constant perkiness for the ability to make enough milk for their baby. While you have every right to feel all the feels about your breasts, I encourage you to bring yourself back to gratitude as often as possible.

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Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

My boobs were so leaky the first six months of Hudson’s life that I once dripped onto a woman who was pushing a baby out. Yup. I was her doula and had been away from Hudson for about twelve hours. My boobs were bursting. As I held her leg while she pushed, I wasn’t paying attention to what was happening under my shirt. And then I saw something wet drop onto her arm. It was raining, and the old hospital we were in had some leakage issues, so I looked up. But it wasn’t the ceiling, it was my mammaries. I. Was. Horrified. Thank the birthing gods I was wearing a black shirt; no one seemed to notice, and I flew to the bathroom to change and squeeze milk into the sink. Oy vey.

That’s a long way of saying, I get it. I was constantly embarrassed by my leaky jugs, instead of being thrilled they were producing so much milk. This is something many women experience in early motherhood. I’ll get to how to physically deal with the seepage, but I want to start with the shame you might feel when this happens. As I noted in the previous question, it takes a while to stop sexualizing our breasts, meaning we still think of them in “that way” when they start drawing attention, especially when they’re leaking. I have a friend who had DD-size breasts before pregnancy. They were a G after baby was born. She once said, “I can’t go into public. It’s bad enough that these puppies are so massive, but they start leaking unexpectedly. Obviously, I’m not doing it on purpose, but I feel like people are going to think I’m trying to draw attention to them or something. Leaking from anywhere is embarrassing, but this is next level.” Her words hit on many important points.

First, many women I’ve worked with also think people will judge them for having leaky breasts in public. And maybe some people do, but those aren’t the people we should care about. The people we should care about are the little humans relying on those glorious boobs for sustenance, and your glorious self, who has every right to get out of the house when your body is still trying to figure out the whole milk supply thing. You’re doing nothing wrong when you’re out and all of a sudden you have wetness spreading across your shirt.

While it’s easy for me to write that, I understand it can be tricky to turn off the shame tap we’ve been taught to open at the slightest provocation. I turned off the shame by forcing myself to laugh at the situation. Whenever I was in public and my milk volcanoes erupted, I would shrug my shoulders, laugh, and in my own time, change into the extra shirt I always kept in my bag. I was totally faking this lighthearted attitude in the beginning, but the more I did it, the more I felt genuine humor instead of shame. It also seemed to give others permission to brush it off as no big deal, instead of something to uncomfortably ignore.

The second excellent point my aforementioned buddy made is that we are deeply conditioned to associate a leaking body part with serious humiliation. Peed your pants? Thought you needed to fart, but turned out it was something more? Got boogies coming out your nose? All are situations our society has said should produce mortification. Most people are ashamed even to cry in public. I think that’s all whack. Our bodies don’t stop doing body stuff just because we’re outside the privacy of our home. Leaks happen — to every body. Every single person. I encourage you to remember this when you’re met with seeping boobs in public. Remind yourself that what’s happening is the most natural thing in the world, and if you’re able to give yourself the grace to handle it with amusement instead of humiliation, you’re helping us all take a small step toward being more accepting of our bodies. Hey girl, you can be a leaky boob trailblazer!

What to do

And now for the logistics of that soaked bosom — because while we’ve canceled the Shame Game, it’s still not a fun feeling to have a sticky, wet chest.

Know the leaking triggers. Often hearing a crying baby, seeing a baby, or just thinking about your baby can induce a letdown. Knowing these triggers and any others you notice can give you a heads-up about a milky surge that’s on the way.

Press on your nipples when you feel tingling in your breasts. This preemptive measure can dam the milk flow. If you want to be incognito with this motion, just stretch an arm across your boobs and press it into your chest with your other hand.

Feed baby or pump before you go out. Emptying your breasts before you leave the house can minimize the chance of a leak.

Use breast pads. These absorbent boob buddies can soak up milk before it reaches your shirt. Keep a supply in your car, diaper bag, and purse so you always have replacements on hand. Be sure to change them when they’re wet, as your nipples being in a moist, enclosed space for long periods could lead to a yeast infection. (Aren’t we lucky — we can get yeast infections in the vagina and on our boobs!)

Keep tissues and organic wet wipes handy. I was the worst at remembering breast pads, but I almost always had tissues on hand. I would stuff them in my bra when I sensed an impending leak. And because the stickiness of breastmilk was irritating, I would try to have wet wipes on hand. I recommend organic wipes, as the alternative could leave chemical residue on your breasts.

Keep an extra shirt in your purse and diaper bag. Despite all the pads and tissues, you’ll still have moments where the milk reaches the shirt. So keep a patterned or dark-colored (with the exception of grey) shirt in your going-out bags. Avoid silk. I also recommend a cover-up you can throw on until you’re able to change.

Sleep on a waterproof pad that’s covered by a pillowcase. I had to wash my sheets every single day for the first week of Hudson’s life because I soaked the bed in milk nightly. I then wised up and bought a few waterproof changing pad liners. I would cover the liner with a pillowcase to make it less scratchy, and bam, I only had to change out a small liner and pillowcase instead of all the sheets. If it was chilly, I would sleep in a zip-up sweater so I wouldn’t have to pull the covers over my drippy boobs.

Wear a milk saver while breastfeeding. Many women leak out of one breast while feeding baby from the other. Save those precious drops by popping a “milk saver” onto the boob not being used. These are boob-shaped pieces of plastic and rubber, with a hole in the middle for your nipple and a catchment area below it. Once you’ve finished that side, you can pour the collected milk into a container. It can add up to a lot of extra milk!

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Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

It’s normal to be nervous about breastfeeding, although this feeling is rarely talked about. Most women hear only about how breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world, and so great for our babies. While the latter is definitely true, it doesn’t always feel natural.

If you try breastfeeding and find it’s not a fit for your family, you can of course stop. But for many women, there are a slew of “breastfeeding fear sources” that can be unraveled, and often healed, helping them move from fear to gratitude and excitement about breastfeeding. Here are the main concerns:

Shift in the relationship with your breasts: It can be startling when a part of your body that’s probably been sexualized most of your life suddenly becomes a source of food. Some women organically make this shift, while others find it strange to have a little human sucking on a part of their body society has labeled sexual. If you’re in the latter camp, take heart that every woman I’ve worked with who had this block found that once she started, the act felt more natural every day until it finally became second nature. There’s nothing wrong with you if breastfeeding initially feels bizarre. (I dive deep into this topic in the next question.)

Possibility of not producing enough milk: There’s a chance your breasts won’t produce enough milk, because of circumstances like excessive blood loss during birth, limited milk ducts, hormonal imbalances, various medications and herbs, and other factors. While this can be incredibly frustrating and disheartening, a lactation consultant can help you determine why you’re not producing enough milk, and provide effective solutions.

It’s also good to know that the only way to confirm you’re not producing enough milk is baby’s weight. Not being able to get much out while pumping or feeling like baby is not eating enough does not mean your supply is low. Your baby’s pediatrician can help you determine if you need to get your supply up.

Pain from cracked nipples: The first two weeks of Hudson’s life were unreasonable torture for my nipples. I didn’t know he had a shallow latch (because I didn’t call a lactation consultant), so I suffered through bloody, mind-bending pain until my nipples finally toughened up and everything was fine — or maybe he figured out a better latch.

The suffering didn’t need to happen. If I had only asked for support, a lactation consultant could have provided tips to eliminate, or at least lessen, the discomfort. But I didn’t ask because I naively thought it was supposed to be like that — that I had to martyr myself to breastfeed. Don’t follow my lead. Speak up if breastfeeding is confusing or painful.

The newborn being entirely dependent on you for food: It can feel overwhelming to have a tiny, defenseless human dependent on you for protection, booty cleaning, connection, language acquisition, bathing, entertainment, and, well, pretty much everything. But these are all tasks others can help you with. The exception is sustenance — if you choose to breastfeed. This form of feeding is all you. Even if you plan on your partner giving baby bottles of breast milk, you still have to produce that breast milk. It feels like a big responsibility because it is.

I felt buried by this responsibility until I realized it forced me to foster a powerful bond with Hudson. We were together all the time (he was a cluster feeder), which led to us quickly finding a rhythm for our relationship. And because oxytocin was released each time I fed him, I was blissed-out at the end of each feeding. A study published in the International Journal of Psychiatry in Medicine even found that breastfeeding can decrease a woman’s chances of developing postpartum depression during the first four months of the baby’s life. But of course, it’s not a panacea. Some women will still develop postpartum depression no matter how much they breastfeed.

The gist: While I totally get the concern of being the sole source of food for your infant, it’s been my experience that the early demands of breastfeeding could provide innumerable benefits for your transition into motherhood.

Others seeing your breasts: I never thought I’d be okay with my brothers, father, father-in-law, and pretty much everyone I encountered in the first few years of my child’s life seeing my boobs — or at least some side- or under-boob. And yet, I quickly stopped caring. There’s an assortment of breastfeeding covers that allow women to get out the milk jugs without anyone seeing, but I couldn’t be bothered. I just got the fullest boob out, my voracious child latched on, and people looked away. However, I would sometimes breastfeed when Hudson was in the ErgoBaby, my all-time favorite baby carrier, which provided ample coverage.

Luckily, I never encountered comments from breastfeeding-in- public shamers, but even if I had, I’m pretty sure I would have just rolled my eyes. Feeding my baby when he was hungry felt like the most innocent, natural act, and I felt no shame.

With that said, you have every right to want breastfeeding to be a more private experience, and there are ways to achieve that. You can utilize one of the aforementioned covers, pop into one of the pumping stations that are showing up in more public spaces, or do anything else that makes you more comfortable breastfeeding.

Becoming nutritionally depleted: As breastmilk is made from your body, it can deplete you if you don’t stay on top of your food and water intake. Typically, a breastfeeding mother needs an additional five hundred calories a day, ideally from nutrient-rich sources.

Much like in pregnancy, during breastfeeding the body takes what it needs to provide baby with the ideal ingredients for health. If you have a surplus of nutrients and are consistently adding to the supply, you and baby will be fine. But if you’re lacking, you could experience postnatal depletion, which could cause exhaustion, poor concentration and memory, and big emotional shifts.

Maintain your vitality by drinking lots of water and eating breastfeeding superfoods like salmon, eggs, avocado, green leafy veggies, sweet potatoes, legumes, whole fat yogurt, whole grains, nuts and seeds (especially chia and flaxseeds), fenugreek, Ashwagandha, and turmeric. If possible, buy organic.

As you can see, many factors can understandably make you hesitant about breastfeeding. But with the right support and techniques, you can get past these blocks and have a successful journey through this amazing aspect of motherhood.

What to do

Know that breastfeeding is initially a struggle for many women. Needing help with this dynamic undertaking is so normal, and it’s often made much easier with the right support.

Hire a lactation consultant. A great lactation consultant helps you solve logistical issues with breastfeeding, figure out the best ways to make the experience more physically comfortable, and resolve any mental blocks. Because not every lactation consultant will be a good match for you, interview various candidates before your baby is born. This allows you to pick someone you’re comfortable with and have go-to breastfeeding support when baby arrives.

Join a support group. Connecting with women who have similar concerns and struggles can normalize your breastfeeding experience and provide a safe space to share your thoughts and receive supportive feedback.

Soothe pain by expressing milk onto topless breasts. Beyond ensuring that baby has a good latch, one of the best ways to pacify painful nipples is to push a bit of milk out of your breasts and dab it on each nipple, as breastmilk has amazing healing properties. Then, go topless for a while, allowing the milk to soak into the cracked skin.

Make healthy snacks and a big metal water bottle easily accessible. Prevent breastfeeding from draining your vitality by regularly restocking it with nutritious food and lots of water. I would get hungry and thirsty almost the moment I started breastfeeding. If I didn’t have water and food within arm’s reach, I felt trapped. Make sure you’re equipped for the multiple daily feeding sessions by having a bag filled with healthy goodies (that no one but you is allowed to pull from) and an always-filled reusable water bottle (metal is the safest).

Remind yourself how good breastfeeding is for you and baby. When you’re feeling overwhelmed by your breasts and babe, remind yourself that breastfeeding can do the following:

-Lower your baby’s risk of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome), childhood leukemia, stomach viruses, lower respiratory illnesses, ear infections, and meningitis

-Decrease their chances of developing allergies or becoming obese

-Provide regular helpings of vitamins, nutrients, and other disease-fighting substances that serve as natural immunizations for your baby the first few months of life

-Improve cognitive development

-Save your baby in the case of an emergency, as it protects them from the effects of a contaminated water supply, helps prevent hypothermia, and requires zero supplies

-Reduce your chance of developing ovarian and breast cancer

Making breastmilk even more amazing is the fact that it’s custom made for your baby. Your milk ducts contain sensors that pick up signals in your baby’s saliva, telling your body what your baby’s unique body requires; your body then responds by creating customized milk. Your body also responds to pathogens you’re exposed to by producing customized milk that helps protect your baby from the pathogens’ potentially harmful effects.

Know that there’s no shame in stopping. If after trying all these sources of support, breastfeeding is still causing more stress than solace in your life, you have every right to stop. While I’m all about the benefits of breastfeeding, I’m more about women doing what is best in their unique situation. If the thought of switching to formula fills you with relief, follow that instinct.

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