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I had a horrible childhood and am afraid I’ll replicate that with my child, as I have no good parenting role models. Am I destined to be a bad parent?

Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

The fact that you want to step away from the negative parenting patterns of your parents is amazing — you’ve already taken a huge leap away from those patterns. Many people grow up in dysfunctional households and never identify what they should try to do differently with their children. You’re in an eyes-wide-open position that’s filled with possibility.

I also invite you to consider that your horrible childhood can be a blessing as well as a curse when it comes to parenting your child. It’s a blessing because you get to start from scratch, and a curse because you have to start from scratch. Regarding the blessing, you have a clean slate you get to fill with your own way of parenting. You get to seek out parenting philosophies that resonate with you, then use pieces of these philosophies to craft your own. It can be an exciting, enlightening process. Regarding the curse, the idea of starting from square one can feel overwhelming. You don’t have positive parenting presets. You don’t have memories filled with happy parenting moments to lean on. You — and your partner, if you have one — are tasked with starting from the beginning. Again, a blessing and a curse.

What to do

Stand firm in the knowing that you’re in no way destined to be a bad parent. You are a wholly unique human who gets to make her own decisions. The dated belief that all women turn into their mothers is ridiculous — you get to choose who you become. You get to choose how you want to parent. The following ideas will help you get on the path that will shape you into the amazing parent you’re destined to be:

Get specific about parenting traits you don’t want to repeat. While you realize you don’t want to parent like your parents, it can be helpful to break down exactly what it is they did or didn’t do that you found damaging. For example, did they ignore you, talk down to you, use corporal punishment, withhold affection, leave you home alone before you were old enough to care for yourself, shame you?

As painful as it might be to dredge this all up, it can be liberating to explore what your parents did and how it impacted you, so you develop a clear picture of how you want to parent. And if you find this difficult to do on your own, seek out the support of a mental health specialist, especially if you experienced abuse.

Determine the type of parent you want to be. Once you pinpoint the parenting methods you don’t want to use, it’ll be easier to determine what methods you want to try. A good place to start is figuring out what the opposite of the negative parenting methods you listed would be. For example, you might list, “actively listening, building up the child’s confidence, using communication instead of physical force to discipline, being openly affectionate, never leaving the child alone (until they’re old enough) or with iffy childcare, supporting the child in navigating failure without shame,” and so on.

Research. The parenting methods you list in the previous step will probably reveal parenting topics you want to learn more about. For example, maybe you’re unsure what nonviolent communication is, are at a loss about compassionate ways to discipline, and want to discover how to be more comfortable with physical affection. Start researching the topics you’re drawn to, and take note of all the ideas and methods you want to try. This will be an ongoing activity, as what works for your family will shift over the years. But every minute of research adds to your base of knowledge and enhances your dedication to being a loving parent. There’s a list of helpful parenting classes and books in the “Recommended Resources” section on page xx to get you started.

In addition to this traditional research, you can research parents you respect. For example, if you appreciate the way your partner’s sister parents, you can spend time observing what she does and doesn’t do, and ask questions about her parenting philosophy. The more you’re around parents who show there’s a better way, the more you’ll develop confidence that you can also choose a better way.

Don’t forget about your intuition. While I’m all about that research, I’m also a big believer in your intuition. The fact that you recognize the damaging aspects of your childhood probably means you’re in tune with your emotions and gut instincts about what feels right and wrong to you. Lean on these instincts as you navigate parenting.


For example, when your child is a toddler and they become upset for no apparent reason, you’ll likely have an instinct about how you can support them. And sure, this instinct might be informed by the parenting research you’ve done, but it’s mainly coming from your inner knowing — your ability to tune into your child and support them in the way that works best for both of you. In some ways, the most important thing you can do as a parent is learn to trust your intuition, and take the time to listen to it when parenting decisions arise.

Stay aware of any impulses to emulate unwanted parenting habits passed on by your parents. As strong as your loving intuition is, it’s not perfect and will sometimes give way to subconscious habits learned from your parents. But all is not lost if that happens. It simply means you’re a human who — like every other human — inherited a few of your parent’s habits. The cool thing is, habits can be changed when they’re noticed. So whenever you have a parenting moment that makes you feel icky, analyze it. For example, if your child is being very persistent about their need for attention, and you snap at them in the way your mother used to snap at you, clock that. You might think, “Hmm, it’s interesting that I responded in that way. How can I stay more calm next time, and respond in a way I feel good about?”

The tricky thing is, it can be hard to have this insight when we’re stressed, as stress can automatically push us into ways of being and thinking we learned as a child. However, developing the habit of using stress-relieving tools like breathing or walking away from a situation until you’ve calmed down helps you step out of the responses your parents ingrained in you, and choose something else.

Essentially, managing stress and keeping your eyes open to the negative influences of your parents’ parenting are two of the best ways to prevent your parents’ unwanted influence from bleeding into your parenting experience.


Be wary of your parents’ current influence. If your parents are a regular fixture in your life, stay attuned to whether your parenting habits change when they’re around. For instance, I have a friend who had a painful childhood and spent years working through her issues with her parents. She eventually got to a place where she could have them in her home for visits — her children were four and eight when these visits began.

What she realized was that she changed the way she treated her children when her parents were around. She either reverted to parenting methods they had used, or went overboard with the new methods she’d learned. “It was like I left my rational mind and based my parenting on their reactions to my children,” she said. “I either wanted to please them, or show them I was a better parent than they were. My kids and husband started dreading visits from them because it changed me so much.”

It got so bad she had a sit-down with her parents. She told them how she felt when they were around and explained that if the visits were to continue, they had to hold their judgments and let her parent the way her children were used to. This didn’t immediately solve all the issues, but it set guidelines that helped prevent her parents’ influence from derailing her thoughtful parenting choices.


Know that you won’t be a perfect parent, and that’s okay. No matter how much effort you put into being an amazing parent, you will make mistakes. Your kids will yell at you, you might yell back, some doors will be slammed, and tears will be shed. This is an inevitable part of parenting, and something no one escapes. When this happens, I encourage you to not punish yourself with guilt and shame, but instead to chalk it up to one of those good ole learning moments and move on. The less time you spend lamenting your parenting mistakes, the more time you can spend loving on your children and yourself.

Get your copy today.

birth podcast, Childbirth, Pregnancy, pregnancy podcast

Best Foods for Fertility Health

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-994c2-12d86f4

The types of foods that will help prime your body for a healthy pregnancy.

To receive more support, get your copy of Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

And… 

Email me at BaileyGaddis@yahoo.com if you have any questions about pregnancy, childbirth or early motherhood that you would like answered on this podcast 🙂

birth podcast, Childbirth, Pregnancy, pregnancy podcast

How To Increase Your Chance of Developing a Healthy Pregnancy

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-nfttr-12d86f1

Tips for women trying to prepare their mind and body for a healthy pregnancy.

And… 

Email me at BaileyGaddis@yahoo.com if you have any questions about pregnancy, childbirth or early motherhood that you would like answered on this podcast 🙂

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Sometimes I fantasize about running away. Do I need help?

Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

When I was a new mom, I fantasized about running away to a beachside hotel and sleeping until I no longer felt like I was living underwater. I had it all planned. I would loot my savings so I could pay the hotel in cash and no one could track me through my credit card. I would leave my cell phone under my mattress with a note saying, “I’m alive, but barely, and I’ll return when I’m ready.” The closest I got to this was stopping at the beach parking lot on my way home from Target one day, rolling down the windows, and sleeping for thirty minutes. Most new moms, as well as veteran moms, admit similar fantasies. So we’re not alone.

But just because we’re not alone doesn’t mean it feels good to want to run away from our lives. Something that might help you feel better is knowing most moms that have the running-away fantasy don’t actually want to ditch their families forever; they’re just looking for a few hours (okay, maybe a few days) where they don’t have to take care of anyone’s needs but their own. They want some precious time to screw their head back on. To get so deeply asleep they’re facedown, drooling into a pillow in a pitch-black, airconditioned hotel room. To order room service. To remember what their dreams are. To take a shower, or a poop, without someone crying for them. I think this is a totally normal, valid fantasy.

With that said, if you feel like you want to run away because it seems you’re of no value to your family, you feel too sad or anxious to care for anyone, or you’ve become so obsessed with thoughts of running away it becomes hard to function, you might be experiencing postpartum depression, anxiety, or OCD. In that case, a perinatal mental health specialist is the person to see. They can help you figure out what’s going on and provide specialized support.

What to do

Recognize that this fantasy is a not a sign that you weren’t meant to be a mother; instead it’s trying to guide you toward a life where your needs are honored. Here’s how to listen to that guidance:

Let yourself feel entitled to help and alone time. Some women think they should thank their lucky stars when someone steps in to help with their baby. Or that they need to sing their partner’s praises when they offer to hold the baby while mama sleeps. While it’s fine to feel thankful and express that thanks, you should also expect this support, and even demand it. It shouldn’t be something you stumble upon as often as you find a leprechaun passing out Xanax at the end of a rainbow. You should stumble upon help and time for yourself as often as you throw a load of spit-up-stained shirts into the wash.

What I’m saying is, when you start fantasizing about running away, make a clear plan with your partner or your go-to baby-care person about when you need them to take baby, and for how long. Some women feel that in asking their partner for this support they’re asking for a favor, but no. You’re not asking for a favor. You’re asking your partner to provide something that is your right, not a privilege. So as uncomfortable as this might initially be, I encourage you to clearly let them know what you need, instead of asking if it’s something they’d be willing to do. Claim your right for support.

Fulfill your fantasy. Because the fantasy of playing hooky from your life is usually sparked by a need for alone time, grab it by the horns. When your baby is an infant and incredibly dependent on you, maybe the most you can hope for is a few hours out of the house. But you should take it! Use that time to get a massage; bring a blanket to the beach or a local park, lie down, and sleep in the fresh air; or take your journal or laptop to a coffee shop and write. Do that thing you really want to do but keep thinking, “Nah, I don’t have enough time.”

When baby is a bit older and can survive without you for a night, consider booking a hotel room (and using it). And yes, there will probably be guilt and hesitancy and all that other mom stuff when you prepare to leave, but if you can force yourself to get to that hotel and fully focus on you for twenty-four hours, you’ll return as You 2.0.

Learn from your fantasy. Do me a favor and take a minute to envision what you would do after running away. After you take care of the basics like sleeping, eating, bathing, and maybe having a good cry, what do you see yourself doing? What are the things you would do to make yourself happy if you had no one else to care for? Let yourself go there, then write down what you see.

I did this when Hudson was a newborn, and I saw myself going on sunrise beach runs, taking long showers, sipping coffee while getting absorbed in a writing project, napping, watching some good ole reality television, and eating dessert I didn’t have to share. It was pretty basic stuff. What I realized was that while I wasn’t at a place where I could check off all those activities every day, I could sprinkle them in. So from that point on I committed to doing at least one activity from my fantasy list each day, and it was life changing. I now have a seven-year-old and am thrilled to say I usually do some version of everything on my fantasy list every day. And I didn’t have to run away from my family to do it!

So use your fantasy, mama. Use it to inform how you start blending your fantasy world with your real world.


Let yourself do less. I’ll bet that when you envisioned your fantasy you saw yourself juggling way less than you are now. There’s a reason for that. Moms are taught to stretch ourselves so thin we’re transparent. Cook fresh, organic food. Exercise. Feed baby on demand. Never let them sit in a wet diaper for longer than 3.5 minutes. Maintain a clean, organized home. Call your mom. Keep a foot in your career. Nurture your romantic relationship. Shower. Brush hair. Have a bowel movement. Burp baby. Sleep. (Wait, no, scratch that.) Oy vey. It’s just so much. But here’s a wild idea. What if you let yourself just cross some of the stuff off the list? (At least for now, when baby is such a fresh human and so demanding.) What if you asked someone else to do the cleaning and grocery shopping? What if you let yourself do less and know that it’s not giving up, but getting smart? Try it out for a week and see how it feels.


Tell someone where you’re going. I know a few women who went to the grocery store and ended up at a local hotel. In all cases but one, the women called their partner to let them know where they were. While those were awkward conversations, the partners at least knew they were safe. In one situation, the mom did not inform anyone and turned her phone off. Her sister found her right before her husband called the police. Don’t let that happen to you — it will just cause more stress. Play hooky if you feel you have no other choice, but make sure the person caring for your baby knows what’s up.

Get your copy today.

birth podcast, Childbirth, Pregnancy, pregnancy podcast

Quick Meditation to Enhance Fertility Healthy

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-cvpsm-12d86eb

A meditation to support you in envisioning your reproductive system glowing with health.

To receive more support, get your copy of Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

And… 

Email me at BaileyGaddis@yahoo.com if you have any questions about pregnancy, childbirth or early motherhood that you would like answered on this podcast 🙂

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How Myo-Inositol Supplements Might Help Fertility, Especially If You Have PCOS

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-zf5ve-12d86e9

Insight into the research showing that myo-inositol supplementation might support fertility health, especially in women with PCOS.

And… 

Email me at BaileyGaddis@yahoo.com if you have any questions about pregnancy, childbirth or early motherhood that you would like answered on this podcast 🙂

birth podcast, Childbirth, Pregnancy, pregnancy podcast

What PCOS Is and How It Can Impact Fertility

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-cbcpn-12d86e1

A breakdown of the common symptoms of PCOS and how it’s typically treated.

And… 

Email me at BaileyGaddis@yahoo.com if you have any questions about pregnancy, childbirth or early motherhood that you would like answered on this podcast 🙂

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I have horrific thoughts about awful things happening to my baby. Sometimes I imagine being the person inflicting harm. Am I crazy? Am I a danger to my baby?

Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

I would stop breathing whenever I let myself think about something horrible happening to my baby. Leukemia. A deadly car accident. SIDS. A kitchen accident. The list goes on. The thoughts would slam into me out of nowhere. One time, I was changing Hudson’s diaper and had a vision of him and Eric being in a lethal head-on collision. I froze. Diaper in mid-air. I was there. Feeling all the feelings I assume I would feel if that — the worst — happened. Then Hudson peed on me, and I snapped out of it. These thoughts didn’t come every day, but they came often enough that I had to build walls. I refused to let my mind go there. And if it tried, I would combat it with heavy-duty distraction.

When the distractions got too exhausting and less effective, I saw a therapist. She helped me find a balance between running from the nightmares and letting them swallow me. She also helped me recognize that feeling like something horrible was about to happen didn’t mean anything was actually going to happen. It was just a false thought triggered by the facts that my newborn was so vulnerable and I was almost entirely responsible for keeping him alive. She offered heaps of techniques, and I tried them all. The ones that worked are in the upcoming “What to do” section. But according to the therapist, what I experienced was pretty mild. Some women get so buried in nightmarish thoughts about their baby they can barely function.

One of the most frightening mental phenomena some new parents experience is thoughts of intentionally or accidentally harming, or even killing, their child — a type of something labeled “intrusive thoughts.” Most report that they don’t actually want to harm their baby but still have vivid thoughts of doing so. These thoughts can really become frightening for a parent when they’re doing something like bathing their baby, driving with them, or partaking in other activities that present obvious risks. It can cause an almost constant state of paranoia, and keeping things under control can take debilitating amounts of energy. For obvious reasons, this is a mental state parents rarely tell anyone about, out of fear their baby will be taken away. But what many don’t realize is that these thoughts are more common than you’d expect. A study published in BMC Psychiatry found that between 70 and 100 percent of new mothers report unwanted intrusive thoughts of infant-related harm, and half of all new mothers have intrusive thoughts about harming their infant on purpose. These thoughts don’t make you a monster, they’re just a sign you’re experiencing a very treatable psychological condition. Any mental health specialist worth their salt will not even think of reporting you, as long as you can honestly acknowledge that you find the intrusive thoughts disturbing.

When these intrusive thoughts become consistent and regularly impact your ability to function, they might be a sign of postpartum obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). This can manifest as obsessive attempts to suppress the intrusive thoughts, partaking in obsessive rituals that you are convinced will prevent harm from befalling your baby (like constantly praying or checking on them), or avoiding triggering situations like bathing the baby or driving with them. Not surprisingly, OCD has been connected to issues with serotonin regulation and elevated levels of oxytocin — both of which are hormones impacted during pregnancy and the postpartum period.

Obsessions with intrusive thoughts can also be triggered by stressful situations and a rapid increase in responsibility, which are both major elements of early parenthood. Because of these factors, some mental health specialists believe slight OCD tendencies might be a normal byproduct of the postpartum experience.

The rarest but most serious cause of these violent thoughts is postpartum psychosis. This condition usually consists of an inclination to harm the baby, extreme paranoia, hallucinations and delusions, sleep disturbances, and disorientation. It typically presents within a week of the baby’s birth. Unlike moms with conditions like postpartum OCD, those with postpartum psychosis rarely realize that they shouldn’t be having thoughts of harming their baby — they don’t find the thoughts terrifying or appalling. This is a situation that requires immediate intervention.

What to do

If the thoughts you’re experiencing are limiting your ability to function, get support from a perinatal mental health specialist. They will likely recommend cognitive behavioral therapy, and they might recommend medication. Follow their advice before you try any of the other suggestions listed below, as you deserve the support of a mental health specialist who can take the unique circumstances you’re working with and help you craft a customized treatment plan. They can also help you normalize what you’re experiencing, which can be an immense relief.

With that said, I want to acknowledge that summoning the courage to tell someone about your intrusive thoughts can be one of the most challenging things you ever do. The good news is, a condition like postpartum OCD is no longer seen as a “scarlet letter.” Ongoing research is helping us understand that these conditions are not signs that someone is a dangerous miscreant, but rather they’re symptoms exhibited by a perfectly normal human experiencing a treatable psychological phenomenon. There’s no shame in speaking up and accepting help. And in the most extreme cases, speaking up might save the life of you or your baby. From there, consider the following:

Remember that the thoughts aren’t “real.” One of the only good things about horrific thoughts about your baby is that they’re likely a shocking contrast to your other thoughts. This contrast can make it easier to pinpoint when a thought is intrusive — aka, a thought that is produced not by the real you but by the condition you’re navigating (e.g., OCD, anxiety, or depression). This realization can help you separate from the thoughts and remember that they’re not indications of something you will do, or even want to do, and they aren’t markers of how you feel about your baby.

Write down what’s true. If you start getting lost in all the horrible things that could happen, home in on what’s actually real by writing it down. For example, you might write, “I grew and birthed my baby — that wasn’t easy; it took strength and courage. I provide a home and nourishment for my baby. I’m not broken. These thoughts aren’t me. These thoughts aren’t true. I love my baby. That’s true.” Keep writing until you feel firmly planted in your truth.

Bring yourself back to reality with your five senses. Another way to pull your mind out of a swirl of worst-case what-ifs is asking, “What do I see, smell, taste, hear, and feel?” Keep listing things your senses are experiencing until the intrusive thoughts loosen their grip.

Remind yourself that you’re not crazy. When you have intrusive thoughts you’re experiencing a symptom, just like someone with the flu experiences the symptom of a fever. And just as the flu can strike anyone, intrusive thoughts can strike anyone. So when you have the symptom of intrusive thoughts, continually remind yourself that you’re a whole, amazing person having an uncomfortable experience that will pass with the right support. And as long as you recognize that the thoughts are disturbing and are nothing you should act upon, you’re doing fine, as this is an indicator that you’re not experiencing postpartum psychosis. Of course, these thoughts aren’t fun, and they could be a sign of postpartum OCD, an anxiety disorder, or postpartum depression, so get that support, mama.


Find a support group. In addition to seeking support from a perinatal mental health specialist, it can be helpful to find an in-person or online support group composed of women having similar thoughts. This can help you feel less alone, normalize your experience, and help you develop a deeper understanding of what you’re going through. To ensure you find a quality group, ask your therapist for recommendations.

Get your copy today.

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Why Breastfeeding Can Hurt, And How to Soothe The Pain

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-k2axu-12c5105

The truth about the potential, initial discomfort of breastfeeding, and what to do about it.

To receive more support, get your copy of Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

And… 

Email me at BaileyGaddis@yahoo.com if you have any questions about pregnancy, childbirth or early motherhood that you would like answered on this podcast 🙂

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The thought of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) keeps me up at night. Why does it happen, and how can I prevent it?

Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

I was so afraid of SIDS, I couldn’t fall asleep the first night of Hudson’s life. When I couldn’t hear him breathing, I placed my hand under his nostrils, waiting for the small puff of warm air that would confirm he was still alive. The fear of SIDS would have kept me from sleeping all through the next few months if the bone-deep exhaustion of motherhood hadn’t pulled me under. While many people talk about how amazing life is when a baby sleeps, my baby sleeping was one of my biggest sources of anxiety. And really, how could we not be terrified of SIDS? Defined as the sudden, unexplained death of an infant under the age of one, SIDS usually occurs when the baby stops breathing during sleep. Understandably, we want to figure out why it happens, and how we can prevent it.

While there’s been significant research on the topic, there’s still not a clear understanding of why it happens. But there are many theories, and these have led to certain safeguards we can implement to minimize the risk of this heartbreak striking our families.

The common SIDS risk factors are listed in the sidebar below. But before we get into that, I want to note that rarely does one factor cause SIDS. Often, the following elements must be present for SIDS to occur — if just one is removed, SIDS is much less likely to occur:

Vulnerability: A defect or brain abnormality that impacts a baby’s heart or lung function (such as the serotonin condition described below) can make them more susceptible to SIDS. Essentially, this vulnerability makes it more difficult for the body of a baby faced with an environmental complication (see below) to trigger a protective response.

Environmental complication: While most babies can manage environmental complications like lying facedown on a mattress or overheating, babies who are vulnerable and are six months old or younger are less able to respond protectively and so are at higher risk for SIDS.

Developmental changes: Infants six months old and younger experience rapid growth and change. These changes could temporarily disrupt internal systems that impact breathing. This is one reason why SIDS is most common in babies between the ages of two and six months.

There’s not much you can do about baby’s vulnerability or age, but the “What to do” section (pages 224–26) helps you cancel out most environmental complications.

Common SIDS Risk Factors

Here are many of the most common risk factors for SIDS:

Issue with serotonin-producing neurons: Properly working serotonin neurons are needed to maintain the continued functioning of the heart and lungs. Here’s how it works: The brain facilitates the flow of oxygen to the heart and lungs. If someone has sleep apnea, for example, they stop breathing, and the brain gets alerted that there’s not enough oxygen and too much carbon dioxide. Then the brain triggers a protective process called autoresuscitation, which usually consists of big gasps.

The belief is that in some cases of SIDS this protective mechanism is not triggered. A study done by Harvard Medical School found that when serotonin-producing neurons are inhibited, the brain’s ability to autoresuscitate and save the body from apnea is impeded. Continued research could lead to screening that might help detect infants at higher risk for SIDS.

Sleeping facedown: According to the book SIDS Sudden Infant and Early Childhood Death: The Past, the Present, and the Future, the prone (facedown) position has been found to increase the risk of rebreathing expired gases, overheating, and accidental suffocation. Placing an infant on their side to sleep is also not recommended. In 1994, a campaign called “Back to Sleep” was launched, urging parents to lay babies on their back for sleep. This lowered the rate of SIDS by 50 percent.

Sleeping on a soft surface, or near soft objects: A soft sleep surface or objects that could cover a baby’s face (like blankets, pillows, or stuffed animals) increase the risk for accidental suffocation and overheating.

Rebreathing: This consists of a baby breathing in the air they just exhaled, which causes oxygen levels to drop and carbon dioxide to rise. Putting a baby to sleep on their stomach or having a blanket or other soft material in the crib that can cover their face can result in rebreathing.

Overheating: As overheating could cause respiratory issues or depress a baby’s ability to wake up, it’s been found to be a risk factor for SIDS.

Respiratory infection: An article published in the medical journal Hippokratia found that a mild degree of respiratory viral infection was observed in 80 percent of SIDS cases. In addition, a study published in Immunopharmacology and Immunotoxicology reported that common bacterial toxins found in the respiratory tract, in association with a viral infection, could contribute to SIDS in an infant during a developmentally vulnerable period. An infection can be especially dangerous for a baby sleeping on their stomach, as this prone position could increase airway temperature and stimulate bacterial colonization and bacterial toxin production.

Maternal smoking and secondhand smoke: Maternal smoking during pregnancy is considered one of the greatest risk factors for SIDS, as it can lead to premature birth and low birth weight (both risk factors for SIDS), diminish lung growth, increase the chance of developing respiratory infections, and impair the baby’s ability to wake themselves. And exposure to secondhand smoke after birth could impact the baby’s inflammatory response during an infection and limit their body’s ability to respond to threats to the heart caused by inflammation.

Being born prematurely: A study published in the journal Pediatrics found that many premature babies have impaired blood pressure control, meaning if they have a drop in blood pressure during sleep, their body wouldn’t be able to quickly respond. In addition, premature babies often have a higher risk of developing respiratory distress, do not have strong sucking and swallowing reflexes, and have a higher risk of infection because of an underdeveloped immune system.

Long QT syndrome: This heart rhythm condition can potentially cause fatal arrhythmia — when the heart beats too fast or slow or has an irregular pattern. According to a study in Journal of Biological Research, long QT syndrome accounts for 12 percent of SIDS cases.

Toxins from the mattress: While I want to be super clear that this theory hasn’t been thoroughly tested, I think it’s worth sharing. A New Zealand scientist and chemist, Dr. James Sprott, believes the phosphorous, arsenic, and antimony found in some fire retardants used on crib mattresses can mix with mold created from the baby’s urine, spit-up, and drool to create toxic gas. He believes the inhalation of this gas could contribute to SIDS. An additional theory is that body heat can contribute to the release of volatile organic compounds (VOCs) in mattresses.

Again, this theory hasn’t been conclusively proven, but I think it’s worth it to bypass this potential risk by purchasing an organic crib mattress from a company that’s Global Organic Textile Standard (GOTS) certified. If that’s too pricey, you may be able to prevent the release of these gases with a mattress cover specifically designed to block toxic gases. (If you’re wondering where the information about cosleeping is, go to question 97.)

As research continues, new potential causes of SIDS will likely be revealed. Your care provider can provide information about the most up-to-date SIDS research.

While there’s no foolproof way to prevent SIDS, the following can help you significantly reduce your baby’s risk:

Practice healthy habits during pregnancy. The American Academy of Pediatrics reports that babies of women who obtain regular prenatal care, do not smoke, and abstain from regular illicit drug and alcohol use during pregnancy have a lower risk for SIDS.

Put baby on their back for sleep. Even if your baby seems to be more soothed on their stomach, always put them to sleep on their back.

Breastfeed. The American Academy of Pediatrics states that babies who are exclusively breastfed have a 50 percent lower risk of SIDS, as breastfeeding provides the following benefits:

  • Supports the baby’s ability to arouse from sleep more easily
  • Decreases incidence of diarrhea, upper and lower respiratory infections, and other infectious diseases
  • Supports the overall immune system
  • Helps the brain systems that control breathing to mature
  • Minimizes allergies that could cause inflammation in air passageways
  • Reduces gastroesophageal reflux
  • Supports the development of the oral cavity and throat muscles, helping to keep the airway open
  • Enhances the mother’s awareness of the baby

Ensure that the crib is empty, and use a sleepsack. Have baby sleep on a firm mattress with a fitted sheet — there should be nothing else in the crib, not even crib bumpers. Regarding clothing, put baby in a breathable sleepsack, which is a “wearable blanket.” This allows them to stay warm without using a blanket that could bunch up around their face. If the weather is so warm that you yourself are using little more than a sheet for coverage, your baby will likely be fine in a onesie or a light sleepsack.

Create a cool environment. As it’s important to prevent overheating, keep the thermostat between sixty-eight and seventy-two degrees Fahrenheit, have a fan on in baby’s sleep area, and clothe them in the aforementioned sleepsack or onesie. In addition, it’s not advised to put them to sleep in a hat, as it can trap heat.

Open windows when weather permits. Fresh air helps keep the air in baby’s sleep environment cool and clean, minimizing SIDS risk factors. If the weather allows and you feel it’s safe, open the windows in your baby’s sleep zone, being sure to insert a window guard when they become mobile.

Cleanse air with plants and an air purifier. Enhance the cleanliness of the air in baby’s room by using an air purifier and placing one or two air-purifying plants in areas of the room they can’t reach. Plants that can cleanse the air of harmful toxins, like trichloroethylene, formaldehyde, benzene, and xylene, include the peace lily, Gerbera daisy, florist’s chrysanthemum, red-edged Dracaena, and English ivy.

Use a firm, GOTS-certified organic crib mattress or a toxin-resistant mattress cover. As the toxins in standard mattresses might increase the risk of SIDS, opt for a GOTS-certified organic crib mattress or wrap the mattress in a cover that’s a “toxic gas shield.”

Make sure baby’s bed adheres to Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) guidelines. A government organization that oversees products sold in the United States, the CPSC provides recommendations for purchasing a safe infant bed; see “Safe Sleep — Cribs and Infant Products Information Center” at cpsc.gov/SafeSleep.

Skip swaddling. While the research is ongoing, a study published in Pediatrics found that swaddling might increase the risk for SIDS, as it could hinder a baby’s ability to wake up during cardiovascular stress.

Have baby sleep in your room for at least the first year of life. A report by the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that babies sleep in their parents’ room for the first twelve months, as this can reduce SIDS by up to 50 percent. While there’s not a definitive reason for this outcome, it’s believed that a baby will arouse from sleep easier when sleeping in a room with others, and that parents are better able to monitor the baby when they’re in the same room.

Consider a bedside sleeper. These aptly named baby beds are essentially bassinets that can be pushed up next to your bed and readjusted so baby is level with you. Some also have a side that can fold down, allowing you to easily access baby. If you go this route, make sure you select a bed that meets CPSC safety standards. Ideally, it will have a thin and firm mattress that’s no more than an inch thick. In addition, net or mesh walls are preferred, as they increase air flow.

Stay away from cigarette smoke. As breathing in secondhand smoke can be incredibly harmful to infants, remove your baby from any area where someone is smoking. And because smoke can linger on furniture, carpet, and other material, it’s best to not have baby in the home of a smoker, which is why it’s strongly advised that any smoker who lives in the same home as an infant quit smoking. In addition, do not let anyone who smokes hold baby, as smoke can linger in hair and clothes.

Ensure that all babysitters and childcare facilities you utilize follow these safety guidelines. Whenever anyone else will be caring for baby, make sure they adhere to this sleeping protocol. If baby will be at a daycare, have someone there walk you through their protocol. You can also stop in during naptime to see them in action.

The same goes for a babysitter; walk them through your sleepy-time routine, ensuring they understand its importance by having them repeat it back to you. You can also provide a simple written reminder. For example, “Put baby to sleep on their back, in their designated, empty bed, without a blanket and in a sleepsack or onesie, depending on temperature. And turn on the fan.”

If a parent or in-law seems resistant, remind them that this is not a request. While they might have done things differently when their children were infants, it’s up to you how your child is put to sleep.

Contact your pediatrician if baby seems to have respiratory issues. As respiratory issues can be a SIDS risk factor, contact your care provider if baby has a cough, breathing issues, or any symptom that concerns you.

Get your copy today.

birth podcast, Childbirth, Pregnancy, pregnancy podcast

What a Chemical Pregnancy Is and What It Means For Your Fertility

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-ge49v-12c50f5

Learn more about what a chemical pregnancy is, if it’s a sign of a fertility issue, and when you can start trying to conceive again after having this type of miscarriage.

To receive more support, get your copy of Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

And… 

Email me at BaileyGaddis@yahoo.com if you have any questions about pregnancy, childbirth or early motherhood that you would like answered on this podcast 🙂

birth podcast, Childbirth, Pregnancy, pregnancy podcast

The Medications That Are Safe and Unsafe To Take When Breastfeeding

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-7deuw-12c50e6

A breakdown of the medications many women are surprised to find are typically safe to take when breastfeeding, and those doctors commonly advise against.

To receive more support, get your copy of Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

And… 

Email me at BaileyGaddis@yahoo.com if you have any questions about pregnancy, childbirth or early motherhood that you would like answered on this podcast 🙂

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My pet used to feel like my child, but now that I have a human child I never want my pet around because I’m nervous they’ll hurt the baby. Should I find my pet a new home?

Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

Isn’t it wild how having a baby can change your perspective of almost everyone in your life? Especially your animals. It’s like one minute your pet is a constant companion and best friend, and then, bam, your baby’s born and that pet suddenly feels like a looming threat. This can feel jarring and heartbreaking. While you’re celebrating and savoring the new love that’s come into your life, you’re also mourning the relationship you’re losing. Because even if your pet is able to stay in your home, it’s unlikely your bond will ever be the same, as you now have a new creature to dote on. On the other hand, if you determine it’s safe to keep your pet, their life may become even richer as they develop their own bond with baby. Everyone can win.

Regarding your fear of your pet hurting the baby, there’s no guarantee either way. But there are ways to objectively look at the situation and make a decision that’s best for all involved. And luckily, it’s not very often that a family needs to remove a pet from their home for baby’s safety. In most cases, training, limiting and/or supervising your fur-baby’s contact with your human baby and taking other precautions can ensure your baby’s safety without the need to say goodbye to your pet.

What to do

Here are some ideas to keep your baby safe while also nurturing your pet’s well-being:

Consider whether your pet has ever been violent. One of the best ways to determine if your pet will cause harm to your baby is to review their history. Has your pet been aggressive toward other animals or humans? How do they react to children? Is there anything about their personality or history that would lead you to believe they might cause harm to your baby? Answering these questions honestly can be an important first step in making your final decision about rehoming.

Hire a trainer. A trainer can not only help your pet break bad habits but can also help you determine if they’re a threat to your baby, as animal trainers are often experts in the behaviors of their animal-of-choice and know the signs that indicate an animal could be a danger to others. If the trainer believes your pet is safe to stay in your home, and you agree, you can ask them to help your pet break certain habits to create a safer environment for baby. For example, if you have a dog that jumps on people, is used to sleeping on your bed and getting on other furniture, and normally goes into the room that is now the nursery, the trainer can help you teach them that those habits are no longer allowed. If you’re reading this during pregnancy, I recommend working with a trainer before baby is born.

Introduce your pet to baby’s scent. As most animals have a heightened sense of smell, prepare your pet for the array of new odors baby will supply by having them smell an article of clothing that the baby has worn, before they meet the baby. Pet them as they’re taking a whiff, as this can help them create positive associations with the baby’s scent.

Don’t leave your pet alone with the baby. Make sure you’re always present when your pet and baby are near one another. Both children and animals can be erratic, so you’ll want to monitor all interactions until your baby is much older. In addition, begin teaching your baby that it’s not okay to pull the dog or cat’s tail, for example, by gently removing their hand if such an action occurs.

Stay aware of your pet’s emotions. Keep an eye on how your pet responds when they hear baby cry, for example, or when they’re simply around baby. Is their personality unchanged? Are they acting more aggressive or skittish than usual? Do they seem depressed? Do they shake or show other signs of anxiety when baby cries? Are they indicating stress by averting their eyes or moving away when baby is around? Your observations can inform how you navigate their relationship with your baby. A trainer can also provide invaluable insight into what various behaviors indicate, and what, if anything, should be done.

Tip: You can prepare your pet for your baby’s cries and other noises by playing recordings of baby sounds when you’re pregnant. It can be telling to see how they respond to the recording.

Organize extra care for your pet. Because your pets will likely be dealing with emotions that range from irritation to depression as your attention shifts from them to the baby, ensure they still feel the love by asking friends or family members to spend time with them during the first few weeks postpartum. If you have a dog, find people who can take them for a walk or a romp at the dog park. If you have a cat, ask a fellow cat lover to come over and give them attention. And of course whenever possible, remind your pets they’re still important to you by carving out bits of time throughout the day to spend with them. In addition, when your pet is with you and baby, be sure to also pay attention to them so they don’t feel jealous of the baby.

Ease into baby-pet interactions. When you’ve determined it’s safe to allow your pet to meet your baby, take it slow. Start by having someone hold your pet while you hold the baby, and allow the pet to slowly move toward the baby. They’ll likely sniff them, and maybe give a little lick. During this initial interaction (and all the following) stay as calm as possible, as pets and babies are sensitive to our energy and will react accordingly. A tense mood makes everyone else tense. So take deep breaths, and trust that the meeting will go great.

Read Good Dog, Happy Baby. This excellent book by dog trainer Michael Wombacher provides an effective twelve-step process for preparing your dog and family for a new baby.

Know that you’re not a horrible person if you need to find your fur- baby a new home. As heartbreaking as it is to determine your baby really isn’t safe around your pet, the decision to find them a new home will be best for all involved. Not only will you be keeping your baby safe, but you’ll also be ensuring your pet doesn’t spend the rest of their life being scolded and shut off from the family, and you won’t have to suffer the distress of being the one to hand out that punishment. While it’s devastating to say goodbye, you’re ultimately doing right by all involved.

Get your copy today.

birth podcast, Childbirth, Pregnancy, pregnancy podcast

When Is the Earliest You Can Take a Positive Pregnancy Test

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-jrm82-12c50d5

Discover the absolute earliest time you might be able to get a positive result on a pregnancy test.

And… 

Email me at BaileyGaddis@yahoo.com if you have any questions about pregnancy, childbirth or early motherhood that you would like answered on this podcast 🙂

birth podcast, Childbirth, Pregnancy, pregnancy podcast

How To Soothe Itchy Boobs During Pregnancy

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-5yznj-12b196e

Learn more about why boobs get itchy during pregnancy, and what to do about it.

 

To receive more support, get your copy of Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

And… 

Email me at BaileyGaddis@yahoo.com if you have any questions about pregnancy, childbirth or early motherhood that you would like answered on this podcast 🙂

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Since giving birth to my second baby, I’ve been finding my first child kind of irritating. Am I a bad mom for not feeling equal favor for my children?

Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

While most parents swear they feel the same about all their children, that’s usually not true. A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that 74 percent of mothers and 70 percent of fathers reported preferential treatment toward one child. This isn’t surprising, as personalities, shifting life circumstances, and a slew of other factors impact how we feel about the people in our life, meaning there will be seasons when we enjoy spending time with some people more than others — and our children aren’t immune to this.

While you probably love all your children so much you’d die for them, that doesn’t mean you equally enjoy spending time with all of them. For example, you might have an adorable baby who can’t talk back, a four-year-old who worships the ground you walk on, and a teenager who primarily communicates with eye rolls. Not surprisingly, you’d probably prefer to hang with the little ones. Even if your children are close in age, you’ll likely still have your “favorite.” Like if the two-year-old has intense emotions that trigger you, and your baby is super mellow, you’ll probably favor the baby. There is nothing wrong with any of this. You can love all your children unconditionally while not liking them equally.

Something else to consider is that your older child might be feeling especially “needy” right now. They can sense that your focus has shifted, and they want your attention. Many children, even older ones, often seek this attention by acting out of character or creating disturbances. Essentially, they create circumstances that force you to pay attention to them. And because sleep deprivation and the endless needs of a newborn make it hard to recognize the deeper meaning of these outbursts, it’s easy to lash out and create even more of a divide between you and your child. This will probably resolve itself as your family settles into its new structure, but in the meantime, you can call on your partner or other adults close to your older child to spend more time with them. You can also ask these adults to take the baby for short stints so you can spend one-on-one time with your firstborn, even if it’s the last thing you want to do. (No judgment!)

It’s also important to remember that your favor may shift as you and your children change. As life continues molding your family, you might find that one child’s irritating traits are dissolving, while your “favorite” child begins getting under your skin. And remember, that preverbal baby will eventually find their voice, and it’s anyone’s guess how you’ll respond to what they have to say. Isn’t parenthood exciting?!

What to do

Keep reminding yourself that while it’s totally normal to like one child more than the other, it’s still important to not engage in differential treatment (aka treating one child better than the other) and to continually ensure that all your children know how loved they are. These activities can help you do that:

Examine what bugs you about the child you don’t like as much. It can feel really icky to not know why you don’t like one of your children as much as the other. This not-knowing can lead you to believe you’re a bad mom, cold hearted, or just destined to have a tumultuous relationship with that child. I don’t think any of that is true. I’ll bet there are specific reasons why certain things about your child trigger you. Let’s figure out what they are.

When you find yourself inwardly (or outwardly) rolling your eyes at this child or gritting your teeth, notice that. Press pause and objectively look at what’s happening. What about this moment is irritating you? Is your child responding to something in the same way your partner does, a way that you wish they didn’t? Are they responding in the opposite way that you would, and that’s triggering? Does their behavior remind you of someone you don’t like, and that dislike is being reflected onto your child? Does their behavior remind you of flaws in yourself you want to avoid? Is your child acting needy in a moment where you feel stretched thin? Unravel the situation until you figure out what the core source of your annoyance is.

Developing this deeper understanding about your child and how you respond to them will support you with the upcoming activities, and help you realize that neither of you have a fatal flaw or are intentionally trying to irritate one another. You’re both just doing your best to feel loved, seen, and heard as your family adapts to the big changes brought on by a new baby.

Create intentional opportunities to bond with your not-the-favorite child. Now that you’ve started pinpointing why your child irks you, brainstorm activities you can do together that have the lowest potential for irritation. For example, snuggling on the couch and watching a movie, making a smoothie, or building a LEGO tower might be situations that allow you to be together without getting peeved with each other. When it’s time to do activities like cleaning up, brushing teeth, getting dressed, or other tasks that typically find you and your child clashing, you could tap out and call in your partner, at least while you have a newborn. While this won’t always be possible, being aware of situations that typically cause you to get frustrated with your child, having another adult take on these situations, and investing time in the activities that are usually harmonious can begin shifting your parent-child relationship.

Talk with your partner. If you have a partner in this parenting thing, they can help you see your relationships with your children more clearly. They likely witness your interactions with the kids more than any other adult and can support you in identifying dynamics you’re not aware of, or easing up when you’re too hard on yourself. For example, they can let you know if your actions make your favoritism clear, and if you’re overly harsh with the child that’s bugging you. They can also help you make a plan for how the two of you can provide all the children equal care and attention, which might look like them picking up the slack with the child who’s frustrating you, making sure they don’t feel neglected.


Help your kids feel emotionally safe. If you sense the child you don’t favor as much is picking up on your energy, remind them how much you love them and let them know what’s going on — in an age-appropriate way. For example, my friend Amy has an eleven-year-old son who really irritates her. “He is me in a little boy’s body,” she said. “He’s constantly showing me all the things I don’t like about myself, and I have no patience for it.” Her daughter, on the other hand, has a temperament similar to Amy’s husband’s. “She’s so easy to be with,” Amy said. “Sometimes when I’m spending time with her in the morning and her brother wakes up, I feel angry. I feel like he’s going to ruin my mood before he even does anything.”

Needless to say, Amy was wracked with guilt about this, especially when her son straight up asked, “Mom, why don’t you like me?” Amy was inclined to tell him all the things that would make him feel better, but she decided that would only mask the problem. Instead, she told him that because he was so much like her, he sometimes reminded her of things in herself she wanted to change. She told him it wasn’t fair to take this out on him, and asked him to let her know when she was being unkind. He now says, “Mom, are you seeing you in me?” when he senses that he’s bugging her.

If Amy’s son had been younger, she probably wouldn’t have gone into the whole “You remind me of me” thing, as he might not have been able to process that. Instead, she could have acknowledged his feelings, asked questions to get more insight into what was making him feel unliked, and then assured him that things would change.

Above all, stay aware of how you’re treating each child so you can avoid hurting anyone, glean insights into how to improve these relationships, and tune into your children so you can tell when they are in need of reassurance that you love them deeply.

Get your copy today.

birth podcast, Childbirth, Pregnancy, pregnancy podcast

Why You Might Get Super Hairy Everywhere When Pregnant

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-urr7k-12b1968

The lowdown on why pregnant women can grow excess body hair, and when it’s a sign of a health issue.

And… 

Email me at BaileyGaddis@yahoo.com if you have any questions about pregnancy, childbirth or early motherhood that you would like answered on this podcast 🙂

birth podcast, Childbirth, Pregnancy, pregnancy podcast

What To Do About Skin Issues When Pregnant

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-cuhxj-12b1962

Insight into why some pregnant women get acne and dark spots on their face, and what to do about it.

And… 

Email me at BaileyGaddis@yahoo.com if you have any questions about pregnancy, childbirth or early motherhood that you would like answered on this podcast 🙂

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I have a loved one who had a miscarriage and seems to have a hard time being around my baby. How should I navigate this relationship?

Excerpt from Asking for a Pregnant Friend: 101 Answers to Questions Women Are Too Embarrassed to Ask about Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

Very gently, and without your defenses up. The reaction your loved one is having has nothing to do with how they feel about you or your baby, and everything to do with their emotions about their pregnancy loss. They are probably navigating immense grief, and being around someone that has the one thing they want most can feel heartbreaking. I learned this the hard way.

One of my closest friends — we’ll call her Zoe — had a miscarriage when my son Hudson was two. Zoe and Hudson had an amazing bond that evaporated as soon as she lost her baby. She would tense when Hudson ran to her for a hug, and she avoided his requests to play. He was heartbroken, and I was irritated. “Can’t she see that she’s hurting his feelings?” I would think. I never said anything, but I’m sure I was giving off a vibe.

I didn’t get it until I went out to lunch with her one day. Every time we neared a pregnant woman or small child, Zoe would stiffen and look away. When a woman with a stroller sat near us at the restaurant, I noticed her bite her cheek, resisting tears. She was suffering. I had been so wrapped up in how Hudson was responding to her standoffishness that I hadn’t really seen her pain. From that point forward, I planned meetups that didn’t involve Hudson or the high potential of running into any of her other triggers. I would go over to her house, take her out for a drink, go to a belly dancing class, or do anything that distracted her from motherhood, even if it was only for a few hours. And you can be sure I didn’t bring up mom life when we were together.

After Zoe eventually gave birth to a healthy baby girl, she brought up her postmiscarriage reaction to children. “It killed me to not hang out with Hudson, and my sister’s kids,” she said. “But it all made me angry, and so sad I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I wasn’t angry at any of you, I was just mad at life, and my body, and how unfair everything felt. You and my sister were my safe places, but when your kids were around, being with either of you sucked.” She told me how the situation with her sister was especially complicated because all family gatherings involved her kids. “Of course I didn’t expect her to not bring her kids to, like, Easter dinner, but I kind of wish my family would’ve given me an out for some of those things. I just wanted permission to be sad, and disgruntled, and not show up for a while.”

And there it is. She wanted permission from the people who loved her to navigate the miscarriage in whatever way she needed. She didn’t want people trying to cheer her up or saying, “That will be you soon enough” when watching kids running around. She wanted people to tell her that everything she was feeling was okay, and they’d be there for her no matter how much or little she needed them. She wanted people to check in, without forcing a hangout.

While every woman handles the loss of a pregnancy in a different way, almost every woman I’ve known who has navigated miscarriage relates to this story, myself included. They want you to be there for them without unknowingly subjecting them to more pain. Sound tricky? It doesn’t have to be.

What to do

Here’s how to show up for your loved one during her journey through pain and loss, without sacrificing joy for your journey into motherhood:

Let her lead the way. The person best able to provide insight into how you can support your friend is your friend. Request one-on-one time with her, and ask how you can best support her. You can throw her a major bone by letting her know up front that you’re cool hanging without your baby and will do your best to not talk about motherhood, unless she brings it up. This will likely make her feel relieved, as she might have been nervous about making these requests. Letting her know that she can’t offend you with her requests will make her feel safe to share and spend time with you.

Give her an out. While you don’t want to withhold invitations to gatherings, it’s compassionate to let her know you totally get it if she doesn’t feel comfortable attending. This helps her feel included, without the pressure. And while it’s tempting to say something along the lines of, “You totally don’t have to come, but I really hope you do,” I would cut out the second half of that sentence. We mean well when letting someone know how much we’d love them to show up, but all it does is put social pressure on them. Instead, convey a message along the lines of, “If you want to come, please do. But I also completely understand if you don’t feel up for it. Whatever you want is the best decision.”

Regularly send a “thinking of you” text. I have a client who experienced a miscarriage, divorce, and cancer diagnosis in the same year. “I felt a big need to go within,” she said, reflecting about that year. “I told my people I needed space, and everyone listened. They listened so much that I completely stopped hearing from them. I didn’t blame them, because I had pretty much told them to do that — but it made me feel isolated. Then my cousin started sending short texts. She’d write, ‘Hey! You don’t need to respond but I just wanted to let you know I love you and am thinking of you.’ She would send some variation of that a few times a week. I usually didn’t respond, but I appreciated those notes so much. It made me feel like even though I was in a space where I needed solitude, I hadn’t been forgotten.”

You can be like this cousin, sending loving, no-strings-attached messages to let your friend know she’s not alone, even if she wants to physically be alone. If you don’t receive a response, it doesn’t mean she didn’t appreciate the thought. Don’t give up on her; just keep letting her know you care.

Tip: Add to your thoughtful texts by occasionally having your friend’s favorite treats or flowers sent to her house. You could also send a comfort box from an infant loss support program like Three Little Birds (threelittlebirdsperinatal.org) or a card from the #IHadAMiscarriage line (shop.drjessicazucker.com).


Don’t bring up your baby unless she does. Baby-brain tries to wipe the memory of everything but baby topics, which might be the last thing your friend wants to talk about. I used to prepare for meet-ups with friends I assumed didn’t want to talk baby by making a list of interests we shared. My overpreparing tendencies would then lead me to Google those topics to come up with interesting stuff to talk about. You obviously don’t have to do that, but you might prep yourself to keep anything pregnancy or parenting related from slipping out of your mouth. And of course, your friend may straight up ask you about, or bring up, baby or parenting topics — if so, share openly, while being careful not to go overboard. Pay attention to her nonverbal cues, slyly shifting the conversation if you notice she is becoming uncomfortable. While the first few conversations with her might feel forced and awkward, you’ll eventually become comfortable with the new unspoken guidelines of your relationship.


Let her know you’re comfortable hearing about what she’s going through. Sadly, some women feel like a pariah after a miscarriage. They feel like people are tiptoeing around them, trying to ignore the death-colored elephant in the room. You can minimize this discomfort and make your friend feel safe to share by asking if she wants to talk about how she’s feeling. She might not, but just knowing you’re not afraid of the topic might help her feel like she’s not an island no boat wants to stop at.

Call her baby by name. If your friend shared the name of her baby, use it when talking with her. This helps convey that you don’t think of the miscarriage as trivial, that you understand a child she was deeply connected to passed.

Don’t feel guilty for your joy. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have every right to have a beautiful, healthy baby — and to be happy about that. While you don’t have to talk about that beautiful baby with your friend, you do get to feel shame-free gratitude for motherhood.

Get your copy today.

birth podcast, Childbirth, Pregnancy, pregnancy podcast

How To Love Your Body During Pregnancy, Or At Least Like It

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-sfwfe-12b195d

Support for navigating a negative body image during pregnancy and finding acceptance and even gratitude for your changing body and appearance.

 

And… 

Email me at BaileyGaddis@yahoo.com if you have any questions about pregnancy, childbirth or early motherhood that you would like answered on this podcast 🙂