A Mom’s Guide to Peeing On the Go

Disclaimer: Be prepared to read some tongue-in-cheekiness.

(Photos not included. You’re welcome.)

My 86 year-old Grandmother, who raised three children in the badlands of West Texas, recently mentioned that there needs to be a pee-on-the-go guide for well-hydrated mothers- so we made one.

As mothers, we live with a wide array of discomforts- kicked shins, Legos, brushing the teeth toddlers, bathing Tasmanian Devils, hunching over all.the.time, and eating soggy leftover crumbs, to name a few- we should not stand for a full bladder, we should not.

Sometimes a mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do.

This starter guide is meant to spark your imagination when fantasies of unoccupied toilets are swirling in your mind, and a child is pounding on your bladder- internally, or externally.

I’ve collected the following examples from my own piddle parties, those of fellow full-bladder-ed mamas, and my Grandmother.

You can pee…

1. In a diaper during bumper-to-bumper traffic.

If I don’t go now, my bladder might explode, rendering me incapable of driving, thus causing more traffic. It’s my civic duty to pee in that diaper.

2. In the shower.

I just soaped up, slathered on the shaving cream, and the Mount Vesuvius of urine erupted into my bladder. The baby is screaming and I had to leave for my appointment ten minutes ago- there is no time for rinsing and repeating. Pee here now.

3. In a hole, at the beach, while the partner holds a towel up.

But then, the wind picks up, giving the rowdy group of teenage boys a full moon view. Oh, I forgot to mention that the water is frigid and I “forgot” my bathing suit.

4. On the side of the road.

I’m on a road trip, there’s no sign of a sign for a rest stop, and all my attention needs to be utilized to calm the screaming small one.

5. Two feet away from the tent that’s 15 yards away from the “proper bathroom.”

The sleeping child’s mom radar will go off if I venture outside of the ten-foot force field.

6. In the potty training toilet.

Because my male counterpart has been in the bathroom forever, we only have one bathroom, it’s cold outside, and my three cups of coffee just had a let down.

7. In the pool.

No one will admit to this one but if we’re at the pool with our children, they’re all in the pool, and we have no adult support… Remember, we gotta do what we gotta do.

8. The Men’s Bathroom.

No line- enough said.

9. The secret employee bathroom in the grocery store.

Just do it.

10. In the pants.

On opposite day, this side effect of childbirth would be seen as a perk. After pushing a human out of my Ms. Twitchet (as my Grandmother used to call it) the act of jumping, laughing, or standing up too quickly might just cause a light sprinkle in my knickers. Yay.

The few times I didn’t let the good times flow I ended up with an urinary tract infection- no one has time for that.

I empower you to brush aside modesty, your stoic nature, and your pants when the urge for a piddle purge strikes.